What do you choose to be today?

“M-I-I-I-L-L-K!”

“M-I-I-I-L-L-K!”

I wearily open one eye, and cover my head with the pillow. Maybe he’ll go back to sleep. There is silence for a few minutes, and then he bellows again, sounding for all the world like a cow.
“MOMMY M-I-I-I-L-K!”
I love him. I really love him, but right now I’m just pissed! It’s 6:30 in the morning, and he’s up already. He didn’t go to bed till after 10 last night, so he should be tired. But no, he’s awake yelling for milk. If I don’t hurry and honor his demands, he’ll wake the other one up.
I roll out of bed, and quickly enter the room they share.
“I want milk money” he says in a plaintive loud whine.
“Shh!” I respond glancing furtively over at his sister’s crib. Fortunately she’s still asleep. I stare back into the face of my almost three year old little boy.
Pure anger courses through my veins, and for just a half of a second, maybe a millisecond, I want to spank him.
The urge to punish him for waking me up, goes away just as fast as it came, but my hostility still remains. I never could understand how parents could abuse their children, but I can see how it starts.
I’m so tired. Why won’t he just go back to sleep? He can’t be that damn thirsty at 6:30am. Why is he so needy?! All these thoughts flying through my mind, as I stare down at his little face.
“Are you angry mommy?” he asks innocently as only a child can.
Shame replaces my hostility.
“No, mommy’s not angry” I lie.
“We have to be quiet” I say. “We don’t want to wake sister up”.
“Are you sad?” he whispers taking my hand and getting out of his train bed.
I think about his question for a moment, and then I answer.
“Yes Miles. Mommy’s sad” I answer honestly.
My eyes well up with tears, as I recognize the truth of this statement.
I am sad.
Somewhere in between marriage and kids, I’ve lost myself, and it saddens me.
I’m not me anymore.
I’m someone’s wife, someone’s mommy, but I don’t exist outside these titles.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Marriage and motherhood was supposed to enrich my life, make it better, and complete me. I must admit I imagined being a stay-at-home mother, was going to be a breeze.
I figured I’d love on my kids all day, while preparing elaborate meals for my husband, and keeping an immaculate home. In my downtime (yeah, I thought I’d have downtime) I would pursue my writing career, and in my spare time (yep, dumb me thought their would be spare time) I would go to school and finish a degree. My home would be like a preschool for my little ones. I vowed to rarely turn the television on, as I myself would fill their minds with books and knowledge.
I’d be a regular Joan Cleaver I thought, remembering the reruns of “Leave it to Beaver”. Except unlike Joan I’d also be career minded. I imagined my husband coming home to me looking exceptionally fly and sexy. I imagined I would greet him at the door with a cup of tea, and then once I settled him comfortably, I would draw him a bath. Yeah I used the word “draw’. That’s how out of touch with reality I was.
I would be a triple threat. An exceptional wife, mother, and career women. Oh yeah, and I’d also be in exceptional shape, because I’d be working out everyday.
Yeah right! What I didn’t plan on was the reality of life. First of all, two kids under three do not equal an immaculate home. It equals, toys strewn all over the place, and me struggling to put them away just as quickly as they pull them out. I didn’t count on trying to grocery shop with children for these elaborate meals, or the mountain of laundry that had to be completed on a daily basis.
I didn’t figure in the number of diaper changes that had to take place, or that by the time I fixed breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner, and then served breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner, and then cleaned up after breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner, that I would be dog tired, and half the day would be gone.
I didn’t realize that the only time I could pursue my writing career was while the kids napped, or if they napped. But nap time produced too many decisions. Do I cook dinner? Do I clean the home? Do I do laundry? Do I sleep? Do I eat breakfast/lunch? Do I workout? Do I shower and get dressed? Or do I write? I never imagined that I would begin to use the television as a babysitter in order to get things accomplished, and then feel disgusted that my babies had watched television all day.
I didn’t plan on my husband coming home later, and later each evening. For someone has to make the money. Nor did I count on the feeling of uselessness I would feel at not bringing anything of monetary value into the home. Or the hints by my husband, that he was the one providing for our family, not myself so money making decisions were more so his department.
My job as he often reminds is to take care of him, the family, and the home. “You can do you, when they go to school” he tells me, not trying to be selfish, but not realizing how selfish this sounds.
What we don’t say out loud, is the truth. Which is; I will never be able to “just do me”. Neither one of us will ever be able to just “do us”. There is no me or him after marriage and kids, only “them”. He’s stuck just like I am stuck.
Tears stream down my face, as I pour my son’s milk into his red racecar cup. I mourn the pitiful state my life has become. Marriage and children have sucked every drop of life from me. My days consists of shuffling behind my children obeying their every wish, and cleaning and cooking, only to clean and cook again.
I am sad.
My little one, tugs at my robe.
“Mommy?”
“Yes Miles”
“Hug?” he says opening his little arms for me.
I get down to his level, and accept his love. His unconditional love. He knows nothing but me and the people that love him. He only knows emotions in their simplest forms. How can I not appreciate that? Is his care and well being not my most important job? Is he not worth losing myself?
Yes he is.
I hug him, and smile.
“You happy mommy” he asks smiling.
“Yes, I’m happy Miles” I answer. And at this moment I am.
“MAMA MILK!”
“MAMA MILK!” another little voice yells from the bedroom. She is up, and she is more demanding than the other one. Much more active, and much harder to control. She smiles when she sees me. She is happy.
Life is what it is.
You either choose to be happy or you choose to be sad, or you choose to be angry.
Yet each moment brings a different choice. I guess the key is not to linger to long within one emotion or within one moment.
Life is what it is. For the majority of this day, I choose to be happy

I wrote this last year after a rough morning but this is still me every other morning.

My question today. Is motherhood what you thought it would be?

Mondays coming.....

Ahhhh! I've had an interesting weekend. My husband was off Thursday and Friday which made for a long weekend. I have to give it to him. He can be very inconsiderate sometimes, but he always makes the effort to try and NOT be inconsiderate. He was with me the entire time helping with the kids and it felt really good. It felt like we more like a team rather than just me alone against the kids. Now I know your probably saying "against the kids!" but that's not what I mean. I mean... It was like I had help and they weren't just yelling and whining for "mama" but they were also yelling and whining for "daddy". It was nice. Now my husband doesn't travel a whole lot or even go out that much other than those loooong Saturday golf days but sometimes he can be in the house with me all day and I'm still alone with the kids. Sometimes they will walk right by him and knock on the bathroom door where I am sitting on the toilet and ask me for a snack. Sometimes they will be whining for something over and over again and it's like he tunes it out and doesn't hear anything. Then there are those times when he works on a home project and is either outside or downstairs and its just like he's not here. Those are the times I feel so alone with the kids. Those are the times I long to go home back to my family for some help. Then right when I'm at my breaking point and when I feel like putting my daddy's address in the gps and packing a bag to go home. Those times when I think "what's the use of being married when it's always just me". Those times when I have nothing to look forward to but not being able to contribute financially, taking care of kids, and cleaning the house, well at those times my husband pulls through for me. Sometimes it's something big like "hey sweetie you want to take a nap? I'll watch the kids". Yep for a stay-at-home mother a nap is a BIG thing! Other times it's something small like taking me to the mall and saying "go ahead and get in the van. I'll strap the kids in their seats". The point is that it's always nice to just have help from your husband. They don't have to do it all because lets face it most of us women are control freaks when comes to our household stuff! But just a little help goes a long way in our books. Like cutting up the onion while I'm cooking or just being in the kitchen talking to me while I'm cooking. Most men don't understand that those type of things are foreplay. It's a turn on for me to see my husband reading my babies a book while I get to browse through a magazine!

Towards Saturday evening I was getting a little sad. I think because I know Mondays coming and I won't have anyone here with me it will be just the kids and I. I'm going to miss having my friend in the house with me. I'm going to miss having adult interaction. I just felt like I had nothing to look forward too, no purpose other than to be somebodys nanny, housekeeper and errand girl. On top of that I'm also a little antsy about my stepson coming back this week. It's not that I don't love him but I dread the whole reprogramming thing. Most stepmothers know what I'm talking about. Anytime a stepchild comes back from an extended visit at the other parents home there is a reprogramming period. This is where the child has to be reprogrammed from all the differences in parenting styles and in some cases negativity from the other parents home. The period can be short or in some cases very very long. You have to reaffirm values, rules and routines that expected in your home such as "we don't watch those shows here" or "no, you need to have some water, not juice", "no, you can't eat in your room" or even "we don't speak to each like that in this home". These are usually things the child has had down before they left you, but now must be reprogrammed in him. I'm sure my stepson's tone and demeanor will have to be reprogrammed when he returns. So this is not something I am looking forward to since I spend the majority of the time with him. I'm praying this year for a change in his whole attitude from academics to life. I sometimes find myself simply tolerating him and not wanting to foster a relationship with him because of his attitude and that's something I want to change. Not so much change his attitude because only God can do that but change MY attitude. Sometimes as a stepparent you have to remind yourself that your the adult and you have to take the high road and as a christian you have to take the christian road. So as I embark on another Monday, I'm feeling just a little down but I'm going to have a word of prayer and remind myself of all things that I am blessed with. So Monday is coming but I will try to look at it as a new beginning rather than an ending.

Why do you really dread Monday?

the diva

I HATE MY JOB!

I hate my job. There I said it. I am a stay at home mom and I hate my job. Now before you judge me, I don't hate my kids. I hate my job. Why is it that people who work outside the home have the priviledge of hating their jobs but not us stay at home mothers? I don't always hate it. Sometimes when the house is really quiet, the dishes are done and the house is clean, well then I enjoy my job. Usually though I just hate it. I mentally count how many years I have until freedom. I know after my previous post about ungratefulness that this may sound contradictory but this is how I feel today. I am grateful that I'm the one taking care of my kids and not daycare. I'm grateful that I can see their accomplishments and kiss their boo's boo's. I love seeing them smile and laugh. It puts a smile on my face to see their little legs pump and move when I take them to the park. Yet... I hate my job. I want to converse with adults and wear cute clothes and feel attractive. I want to recognize the weekend from weekdays. You see everyday is the same for stay-at-home moms. Saturday is just like monday and vice versus. I want a chance to miss my kids. So I think of this job as anyone else thinks of their job and I'm looking forward to retirement. Now my dream job would be one where I could balance the two. Maybe work two days per week and spend the other days taking care of the kids. Now this is what I think now, but you know how the saying "the grass is always greener" goes? You always want what you don't have. When I was single I wanted to be married. When I got married... Well I think you get the picture. Now don't get me wrong, I love being married but I can now look back and clearly see the perks I had as a single gal. The same with kids. I love them tremendously BUT I definitely miss the days before kids. So today when my kids woke me up at 7:30am and immediately started asking for yogurt and milk, well I thought to myself " I hate my job". Now later when I've sufficiently tired them out and I clean my house, prepare my supper and lay them down for a nap. Well then I'll look around and think "this isn't so bad" and at that point I'll feel a twinge of guilt for hating it earlier.

Do you feel guilty for hating your job?

the diva

Being grateful

I've been in sort of a funk this weekend. My little one's (two & three) keep asking "mommy are you happy?" in their little innocent voices. I always say "yes" and then they ask "why?". I respond that "mommy's happy because you guys are healthy". Now then the three year old usually ask if "funny faces will make me happy". Now of course I say "yes", and then he proceeds to do funny faces for me and I proceed to laugh (fake laugh). You want to know the truth though? A lot of times I'm not happy. I'm tired of being home with these kids all day. I'm tired of being mommy with everyone pulling on me to do things. "Can you get me?..." or "I need..."

Sometimes I feel like I want to scream! I think to myself, " I just want to go home" by home, I mean the home I used to have before I married and had babies. In essence "going home" is going back to the past. I wonder if I've made a huge mistake by marrying and having kids and becoming a stepmom or stepmonster as I'm sure my stepson thinks I am.

I just want to go home......

Back to my three bedroom ranch home in MI where I just worried about myself. Where if I cleaned the house, it stayed clean. Where MY family resides. Where Christmas and Thanksgiving is familiar with familiar dishes and traditions. Where MY family have my back at all times and where I feel comfortable and at home. I sometimes wonder if this place will ever feel like home. Will it? I feel so alone sometimes, no friends, no family, no nothing. Just me. BUT then I think about the many things that I am blessed with. I think about the accident I saw on the news where a mother and children were killed. I look at the television commercials where children are starving. I look at the commercials where children and people are dying of cancer and other diseases. I think about how I just received news that a girl I grew up with, just died of cancer. I should be grateful. Grateful that I have a roof over my head, and that my husband has a job. Thankful that while my husbands Saturday golfing irritates me sometimes, at least he's not out creeping and cheatin or knocking me upside the head. Truly thankful that my kids are healthy and I and my husband are healthy. Thankful that while my stepson can be a pain in the ass sometimes, he is definitely not the monster that I read about on some of these stepparent websites (check out some of these stories and you will truly be thankful!).

Being grateful is a task that we should be putting to the front of our mind constantly. We should be teaching our kids to be grateful. My generation and future generations have become big whiners. We whine about what we don't have and we don't thank God for what we do have. We whine because we don't have enough money to buy a new outfit, or get our hair or nails done. There are people out there who don't have the basic needs, such as food and shelter. How horrible it must be as a mother or father to send a child to bed hungry. Or to not be able to provide clothing or a small toy for them. How wonderfully blessed am I! That I have food in my pantry, and refrigerator. That my children have more toys and gadgets that I literally have room to store. That I have enough money to go and simply have a doughnut. We take so many things for granted and we watch our children grow up with this same ungrateful mentality. "It's not fair!" my three year old has begun to whine. Which is the same thing my stepson still whines. These are kids who have everything! Yet they constantly whine about what they don't have. Is this the message we are sending them? Sometimes I feel like such a failure as a mother when I don't give my children a fantastic day. A day filled with all sorts of activities that cost me money. Maybe I am the culprit that sends this false message to my children. Kids today always want to be on the move. "Mom lets go somewhere!" my kids demand. I too also feel like if we don't go somewhere then we haven't done anything. As a kid I don't ever remember "going anywhere" except maybe grocery shopping or the laundromat. Sometimes the occosional trip to Sears. We went outside and found things to do inside. We rode our bikes or played board games. We used our imagination. On those rare occasions that we really went somewhere, like to the circus or to the zoo, we were grateful. We were excited! Look at our kids today. They have $400 video games, along with $60 games. They have boxes and boxes of toys, and they still whine for more. They have cabinets full of DVD's that they don't watch. Yet they whine for more. Ungratefulness.

Simplicity is the key to being gratefull. The reason why our kids don't take care of the things we buy them is because they have an abundance of them. The reason WE don't take care of things we ourselves possess is because we have too much. I remember getting new clothes three times per year. A very small amount when school started the bulk at christmas, and a few things for the summer. The rest were passed down from cousins and older siblings. And you know what? I was grateful at Christmas for those clothes. We got toys also, but usually one or two really special things. The rest was just inexpensive filler like crayons or boardgames. For things like birthdays we received "useful" things like a new coat, or a new outfit that we really wanted. Going out to a restaurant or fast food joint was a huge treat for us. Friday was payday and McDonalds day and the only place I ever remember going. We didn't get Big Mac's and Double sandwiches. We got a cheeseburger, fries and small drink and we were grateful. Kids today go out to eat more than they eat at home, and it's made them ungrateful. They don't even look at the price before they order and they never say "thanks mom or thanks dad". They take these things for granted because they are ungrateful. Our kids don't want to work for anything because we give them too much. Growing up we had a cat but we still had mice. I asked my dad "why isn't Tiger (cat's name) catching all of these mice?" My dad's response "She's not hungy, because you feed her too much". Once we cut back her food she had a NEED to catch mice. You know what else? When I did feed her, the food didn't sit in her bowl as in the past. Now she ran to her food bowl as soon as the food hit the bowl. She was now grateful.

I am going to make a concentrated effort to be more grateful for the things I do have. I am going to make my children more grateful by cutting back their intake. I pledge to be more grateful and not raise ungrateful children.

What about you? Have you thought about what you are truly grateful for? Are your kids grateful?

Black Wonderwoman

Where have I been?

Wow! That's a good question. I've been here, but just really busy. My goal was to post every day on this thing, but it seems I post once per year! I guess I'll just keep on making the same commitment to myself, and eventually I'll fulfill it. Okay just to catch you up. My summer has been ok. It's just been just my little one's and myself as my stepson has been away with his mom for the summer. It was kind of nice having a break from a teenager for the summer. It's like you miss them and then you don't... Praise God that cat was also away for the summer! Although their was drama around where Mr. Cat would spend his summer.

Which I still don't understand.

I mean we didn't purchase the cat so why would cat spend the summer with us without his owner present? Well my husband's baby mama didn't quite see it that way. She was livid that the cat SHE purchased to live in HER home was coming for the summer. Oh well! She got him. I mean who buys an animal for someone in the midst of a custody trial anyway?

The summer is almost over and my stepson will be returning. I think this year will be a better year for all involved. We know more of what to expect from an academic standpoint, and we know where we need to stand our ground. My husband and I plan to go into this year united and on the same page! At least that's what we have agreed upon.... My three year old will be attending two days of preschool this year! I'm excited for him, and nervous at the same time. I love that lil booger so much! That will leave me and the two year old with alone time... I'm kinda looking forward to that also. We don't get too much time when it's just the girls, so maybe this will be fun. For myself I will be taking two more classes this semester. Now I'm really nervous about the math class.

Math is my criptonite.

It is that of which I have always feared.

It is that dark place for me.

In other words I am scared out of my mind. Now don't laugh, but it's a PRE alegebra class... I know. I feel so stupid. How is it that I can be this intelligent woman and still not get "middle-school" math! Somewhere along the way "I didn't get it". Unfortunately for me noone ever caught on that the chick in the back with the MC Lyte bob, and gold bamboo earrings "didn't get it". So since then I've been avoiding academics because of my fear of math. I'm carrying a 3.8 gpa right now but that math thing just really scares me. You know what though? The more I talk to other women I realize that I'm not alone. So many women I speak to say that they avoided certain majors in college because of the amount of math involved. How sad is that? I know that one thing I will do with my little girl is make sure that she conquers any math fears early. I'm 38 and just now preparing to slay my math dragon.

So question of the day. Are you afraid of math? Have you slayed your math dragon?