Fairy Dust

Do you believe in fairy dust?

Yeah---fairy dust?  The stuff that God sprinkles over us, and POOF—things happen. 

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF!  Your bills are paid. 

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF!  Your life is exactly the way you want it. 

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF! Well you get the picture.

 You know what’s so great about fairy dust?  You don’t have to do any work.  You just wait for the sprinkle, sprinkle part.  Now you smile, but come on.  How many of us are still waiting for fairy dust of some kind to change our lives?  As I was laying down for a quick snooze as my kids napped, I was once again bemoaning my life. 

BOO HOO—I have to take care of kids all day! 

BOO HOO—I don’t get to wear all the latest styles.

BOO HOO—life isn’t exciting. 

On, and on and lamented the very state of my existence.  Then I thought about it a bit deeper. 

When we think of our lives, and how to change it, we never want to think too deeply.  This would mean that we may actually have to face some reality.  My reality? 

The things that I want out of life require hard work, and I don’t want to do the work.

Hard stuff, to wrap your head around.  No one likes to admit that they don’t want to do the work to change their lives.  We like to blame it on, the kids, or the spouse, or our circumstances.  We definitely don’t want to blame it on our lack of drive.  Yet here this bit of truth was staring me in my face. 

I want fairy dust!

I don’t want to work on getting my credit score up, slowly monthly by month.  I don’t want to write out a budget, and stop sporadic spending.  I don’t want to finish my degree, so that I can get a job, and then work my way up to a good salary.  I don’t want to continue to work on my writing, and research possible places to submit work.  I don’t want to work a part time job, and nickel and dime my way to paying off some bills.  I don’t want to do a lot of stuff.  Doing stuff takes to long, and require too much work. 

What I want is a big heapin bag of fairy dust.  Sprinkle, sprinkle…..

Sometimes

Sometimes I hate motherhood so intensely that I want to scream.  A ripping, piercing loud scream. 

I can feel it starting somewhere in the pit of my stomach, and it longs to be set free---yet I subdue it.  Who could know looking at me from the outside, that I have such ugly thoughts?  The picture of content mother, I am.  With my quiet patient voice, my mommy voice---but I’m not.  Not really.  I hate this thing I’ve become.  Part mother, part wife, and none of me.  It makes me ache, at what I’ve lost.  Nagging kids, always needing, always wanting, always here…..  All day, all night, every waking morning----they need something.

Yet this is just sometimes….

 It doesn’t stop, and I wonder will it ever stop?  What is it that won’t stop?  That’s just it, I don’t know.  Sometimes I don’t know what the “it” is.  “It” is always changing.  Is it motherhood?  Is it marriage?  Is it lack of fulfillment?  Is it life?  Is it the pure essence of everything all balled up together? 

I don’t know, but there is always this nagging feeling that there is more out there.  That I’m missing something.  So I frantically gather all these different things to try to appease that feeling in some way.  Yet I still come up lacking…

Is life so unfair, that you’re never truly happy until your old, and your body no longer cooperates with you?  Is it that old woman, sitting in the coffee shop smiling at me, as I smile at my kids, that I’m destined to become?  That old woman who looks as though she holds all the answers, and looks content to just sit and sip her coffee. “It goes by fast, so enjoy it!” the old woman tells me with a knowing smile.  What I really want to say, as I smile back politely is, “It can’t go by fast enough!”   Yet I know there is truth in what she says.  I can look back at my twenties and realize I spent too much time and effort worrying about things that didn’t matter.  Yet in this moment of parenthood, and thirtyhood it is hard to just “enjoy” it. 

Yet the word sometimes, is really just that---sometimes.  Sometimes is so great because it’s just that—sometimes—not all the time, but sometimes….  And sometimes it’s different. 

Sometimes I enjoy the kids with their grubby faces, and their never ending attention.  Sometimes I look at my husband, and am so thankful that of all the women he could have chosen--God gave him to me.  Sometimes I love my cluttered house, with my yet unpainted walls, and many unfinished projects.  Sometimes I love being so busy, that the day flies by.  Sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes.  What a great word.

I'm back!...Tired, but Back!

So, I know I left you guys with a very vain post, about my pores.... I was so worried about the size, of them, and how they looked. Guess what? Their still huge. Guess what else? I could care less! The dermatologist appointment was a big waste of a $25 copay. She rushed through the appointment, as she had to get back to a procedure she was doing (someone spending extra money outside health insurance). So she wasn't to concerned about my issues, and told me their was nothing that could be done for pores, other than microdermabrasion. Oh, and she suggested and using her products, which she conveniently sold from the office. These she said, "are the only one's I can vouch for". What a racket health care has become! You spend hundreds of dollars on appointments, and they leave you waiting, and waiting, and waiting. When you finally get in the inner sanctum of their office, you wait some more! Then they come in, and spend less than five minutes with you, and send you home with samples, and prescriptions! Well I guess I shouldn't have been so vain..... Lesson learned.

Now for an update on my life: I am now a full time student, a part time employee, AND still doing the stay home mommy thing! Whew! My life is so busy, and chaotic that I even dreamt the other night that I was overtaken by a tornado. When I researched the dream, because it was very vivid, I found that dreaming of tornado's signifies a sense of overwhelming in your life. That is so true for me right now. I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off! So I'm trying to learn how to organize, and stop procrastinating. I want to start enjoying my classes, and enjoying my life, and not feeling so rushed all the time.

On another good note, I've been pretty steadfast in my spiritual life. I've been taking the time to pray and study my bible every morning (I've missed a few-but I've made them up). It's amazing what God will reveal to you, when you take the time and seek him. I am truly realizing that God has my steps ordered and orchestrated, and that nothing in my life is chance. I'm meeting people through different circumstances that I know will be of help to me in my future. I also am meeting people that need to be ministered unto. This is a little scary for me, but I'm asking God to give me wisdom as to how help people, and speak things of goodness to their hearts. This world has become such an uncaring place. We walk right by people who are hurting, and we tend to our own problems. I'm really beginning to step outside my own "inner-circle" of my family and I want to meet needs of other people. Their is a step in psychology that this is referred to, and it is the last step that they say people go through. I want to realize this now.