Marriage, Motherhood & the diva

betwixt and in between

2011-07-07T22:22:00.000-04:00

I was doing so well with posting, but I slacked off... I missed sharing my life with you guys even though I sometimes cringe at the things I've revealed. I always think, am I too honest in this blog? Will the things I reveal come back to bite me in the arse? I'm careful to only reveal my own personal issues but still... Oh well-how can I truly claim honesty if I'm not honest in my writing.. So here goes...

I have been plagued the last couple weeks with indecisiveness. I make up my mind about my life and career and literally minutes later, I change my mind again! I know! It is so frustrating, and the the biggest problem with this is I always without fail tell someone my new "vision" for life. Just to change it days later... I know I must look and sound like a flake to my relatives and friends. Heck I wouldn't even believe the next time I claimed I had finally made a decision. Why am I so indecisive? Yall beats me! I struggle with wanting to pursue my dreams, and wanting a career/job that pays something right now. Lets be honest, mama's not getting any younger nor the mortgage payment any smaller. With forty looming and the kids approaching all day school, I need to focus on life after "stay-at-home-wood". Then I'm face with a new dilemma. How do I balance everything? As well as I still have a few issues with self-confidence, and battle constantly with myself on my self worth for not being able to contribute to the home from a monetary standpoint. Yall I'm a work in progress (smile)

My biggest determent to returning to the workforce and completing my degree is childcare. Women who have the God given blessing of relatives who babysit their children for them either free, or darn near free should be thanking God every day. With jobs paying less and less money, it's hard to pay for childcare and still have enough left over to justify going to work! Now try it when you've been out the job market for a few years and have to start back at the bottom rung of the pay scale. Even after they are in school all day, after school care can run you at least $800 monthly for two kids. Then you run into the problem of transportation to get them to after care.

Now those are all just the harsh realities of the world right now, but my decisiveness is a whole different ball game. It seems every career I set my eyes on that might pay a decent salary are besieged by recent college graduates, who are still looking for work. Teachers can't find work. Nurses can't find work. Writers can't find work. You start wondering if anyone is working! So what to do? What to do? Well I guess I'll step out on faith and lfollow my dreams.... So as it stands I have an appointment to see a transfer counselor into a ---you know what? I'm not going to tell yall (just in case I change my mind!). Just know that I'm still on that grind to complete my BA and pray my success.

Questions for the day (which yall never answer).

Does your job reflect your dream? Did you pursue your dream in college, or a job?

The basement...

2011-06-13T06:00:00.001-04:00

I'm in the mood to share my writing! So here is another, yep another short story entitled "The basement". Again feedback would be nice! (smile)

THE BASEMENT

As I walk down the stairs, I trail my hands over the walls. The wood feels smooth, as though I am touching polished glass. My nose detects the light scent of fresh lemons from the oil used to polish the walls. The carpet on the stairs resembles a speckled ear of corn, with its black, yellow and tan pattern. While the carpet looked new many years ago, it is now dull and lifeless as if it is has grown weary of the many feet that have trampled it.

As soon as I enter the basement, my mind is assaulted with memories. My mind goes back to when my mother sat on the gold colored sofa, and folded laundry while chatting on the phone. The gold color is not merely yellow, but actually glows like the gold paper used to wrap Christmas presents. I can see myself, sitting on the thick, shaggy, blackberry colored rug, in front of the television, polishing my toe nails.

If only I could go back to a more innocent time, and a more innocent me. This basement used to be my haven, but now it’s just another place where bad things happened.

I rub my hand over my burgeoning stomach. The things that happened to me won’t happen to her. I know my baby is a girl, just as I know she will never set foot in this basement.

I give the gold sofa a wide berth, as I head towards the back of the basement. It’s musty back here. Mama’s getting older, she can’t get back here and clean like she used to.

I kneel down and open the box that contains my journals. Journals, that haven’t seen the light of day in over ten years. I wouldn’t have come down here to retrieve them, if she hadn’t suggested it. She’s been trying to get me to come down here since we started our sessions well over a year ago. When she first suggested it, I told her flat out, “let sleeping dogs lie”. She just smiled, and replied “when you’re ready”, in a very non-intimidating voice.

Perhaps that’s why I’ve stayed so long in therapy. She’s non-threatening and non-confrontational. She’s everything that I’m not. Sometimes I curse her out, like yesterday when she asked me again to get the journals. I called her a nosy bitch and she just smiled. I told her this therapy was just a racket, another way to make money off of the black woman’s plight. Again she just smiled. Finally after I ran out of steam, I agreed to get the journals.

I’m every black girl stereotype you could think of. I’m loud, confrontational, ghetto as hell, and I love a good fight. Not the verbal spars, that I see some women do, but the Vaseline smeared face, earring taking off, backhand slapping kind of fighting. I’m a fighter. Mama says that I’ve always been a fighter, even as a toddler I bit and scratched the other kids.

I glance over at the gold sofa again. I didn’t fight that day. I open the red journal, and go to the last entry. I look at the first sentence of the last entry, “Today I was raped”, I read. Water drips down and puddles in the creases of the dusty journal. At first, I think that the ceiling is leaking, but then I realize the water is coming from me. Tears continue to mix in with the dust, creating long, brown streaks on the page.
I shut the journal quickly and glance back at the gold sofa. “Why didn’t you fight? I whisper. “You’re a fighter, you should have fought. You let him take it, and you didn’t even fight!” I continued getting angrier. I told her that I couldn’t remember what happened, but that wasn’t completely true.

She said the journals would help me to remember. I didn’t need a dusty old journal to remember though. I remember the important parts of what happened. The day my life changed, the day this basement ceased to become a haven and became a grave.

He was older, and I looked up to him. I had that school-girl crush that all girls have on their brother’s friends. He did everything well, from basketball to school. I was twelve; in fact I had just turned twelve the week before.

I thought I was so grown, with my new braids. Red and white beads dangled from the ends, and they made a shish shish sound every time I moved my head. He said they were fly. He said I was fly and asked if he could touch them. He touched my breasts instead, and continued to touch me, even after I said no. It’s true when I told her I don’t remember. Parts of it I don’t remember, like the actual act itself. I just remember pain, and blood in my panties.

He said that if I told, people would call me a slut. I knew he spoke the truth. People would call me a slut. Mama’s friends were always saying I was too fast anyway, this would just be proof. I never told anybody, until I told her. Told her because, I don’t want any baggage with this baby girl. Told her because, I’m tired of living in this basement. Every mistake I’ve ever made is because of this basement. My daughter won’t be held hostage by this basement; I’“Black people don’t get therapy”, mama said. “Black people seek God”. I wanted to ask her where God was when I was raped. Hell, where was she when I was raped. I gather my journals, and stuff them in the bag, I brought down for this very purpose.

I stand at the foot of stairs, and turn to look at the sofa again. I hear mama upstairs moving around in the kitchen. “Girl!” she yells down, “come out of that dusty old basement, aint nothing down there but junk!” “I know mama” I mutter to myself. “I know”.

The quiet...

2011-06-12T23:28:00.000-04:00

I don't talk about it much but I am an aspiring writer... I haven't had much of an opportunity to write much lately but I thought I would post a short story I wrote a while ago. Feedback would be nice... (smile) This is entitled:

"The Quiet".

I watched him as he walked through the house. His eyes darted from left to right, looking for things out of place. He started with the kitchen, checking for unwashed dishes in the sink. He then made his way to the back of the house, looking for stray items left in forbidden places. At last he comes into the living room, where I sit watching the children play. He leans down and gives me a perfunctory kiss. The kiss is dry, and his slightly chapped lips irritate my cheek.

He is not a bad husband. No. No one would call him a bad husband. He goes to work every day, comes home on time, and he’s good to the kids. Yet…, there is something about him that is to quiet.

Quiet. I never did like it quiet. I’ve always loved loudness. Loud music, loud people, loud laughter. Yet I married this quiet man, and made a family with him. I was never quiet growing up. Grandpa used to always yell, “Gal! Shut-up all that loud racket, for ya deefen me!” Maybe something in me, craved this quietness that existed in him.

He’s a perfectionist. Everything in its proper place, at all times. He required everyone to function on this same scale of perfection. In the beginning I rebelled. I screamed, kicked, cursed. I told him I wasn’t him, and didn’t have to march to his tune.

I don’t know when I changed. It was subtle at first, and it was after the babies came. Who felt like arguing about unwashed dishes, after changing diapers all day? It was easier to just wash them, and please him, than to argue with him.

Like engulfing shadows, his quiet gradually overtook me. I became a person I no longer recognized. I functioned by schedules, and day-planners. I hated this quiet me, hated me, as much as I sometimes hated him.

I watch him go the cabinet and begin to sort the coins in his pocket. First he stacks the quarters, then dimes, nickels and pennies. He then reaches into his wallet, and begins the ritual of sorting all the various little papers he’s accumulated for the day. He glances up and our eyes meet. We stare at each other, as the kids continue to play. Then he smiles. He smiles a genuine smile. He smiles a contented smile.

Perhaps hate is a strong word to use. For I do love this man. Perhaps the quiet is just the sacrifice one pays for a content husband. Sacrifices aren’t new to women. Women have sacrificed for the good of their families for hundreds of years. Loudness for quiet, contentment of home for chaos.

“What’s for dinner?” he asked, sitting down next to me. He knew what was for dinner; it was Tuesday, so of course it was chicken. Always chicken on Tuesday. For the last eight years of our marriage there had been chicken on Tuesday.

I part my lips to answer chicken, and then pause. I grab his face between my hands, and give him a passionate kiss. His face lights with surprise, and then I drop the bomb. “Were having pizza” I answer loudly. “Tonight, we are having pizza”.

I need a vacation at home...by myself

2011-06-11T00:00:00.001-04:00

I want a vacation.
I want a vacation away from my kids.
I want a vacation away from my husband.
But I want to do it at home…
I’m too tired to pack up and go away on vacation. It’s too much work. First you have to plan your clothes, hair and activities. Then you always have to come back home…to a messy house that you tore up planning your trip. Guys I want hubby and the kids to disappear for a few days, and have the house all to my self. I want to be able to clean and organize to my hearts desire, without worrying about feeding people, or cleaning up before hubby arrives. When I get tired of cleaning I want to go grab something to eat, sit in front of the television and watch crap. I want to go to the mall without kids bugging me to go on those rides that they conveniently place in the center of the mall, which cost $2 for 1 minute of movement. I want to be able to browse in the stores and try things on without my husband asking “are you ready to go?” I want peruse the cosmetics at the Mac counter in Macy’s without the kids chasing each other, and trying to hide under the clothing racks. I mean how many times can you say in your “outside the home” voice to “be still!” and “stop touching!”
When I get home I want eat takeout appetizers and watch all of the red box DVD’s that my husband hates. I want to organize my closet and dresser drawers and then go back to mall to replenish things that I need. I want to try on that new Victoria Secrets bra that guarantees the illusion of big tits. I want to make a grocery list for a month and go grocery shopping all by myself and stock up. I want to have a pap smear without my kids in the room…watching. I don’t want to have to give up the booty so somebody won’t be angry. I want to lie in bed all morning and read and then get up and have a big breakfast without someone saying they no longer like eggs, oatmeal or whatever new thing they decide they no longer like.
What people don’t understand is that vacations away from home aren’t relaxing for us mommies. Cuz we eventually have to come back and we do all the work planning them, and then all the packing. While away we worry about the cost of everything and we are overwhelmed with guilt about the things we should be doing at home. What most people don’t understand is that we don’t mind the cleaning, cooking and house stuff so much as long as we are given the time to properly do it. Cleaning can be quite relaxing when you don’t have kids hanging on to you, and asking for the fifteenth time “can we go somewhere!”

You don’t mind starting a long organizing project when hubby isn’t on his way home expecting dinner or something else….. The worst part about being at home is never feeling like anything gets completely done. That whole “do a room at a time” advice is a bunch of crap! By the time you get one room done its messy and unorganized all over again. No, what we mommies need is a staycation at home where we can work or not work when we feel like it to our hearts content.
If you had a week off, the house to yourself, no kids/hubby for a week…what would you do?

The diva

20 Things I want to say to hubby's ex

2011-06-10T00:00:00.001-04:00

TWENTY THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO TELL HUBBY’S EX IE “BABIES MAMA”
1. Believe me contrary to what you believe I REALLY don’t want to be and are not trying to be your child’s mama! You are more than welcome to that privilege….

2. Let the past be the past, and please move on!
3. I’m not going anywhere…..
4. At some point child support does end, so you may want to go easy on all that spending.
5. I would rather pay child support than deal with your child’s issues…
6. When you conned your child into coming back to live with you…we weren’t all that broken up about it…

7. Your child tells me all your business unsolicited…all of it!

8. Your child has a problem telling the truth.
9. Had you capped all of that attitude you would have found a powerful ally in me.
10. I hope you reap the results of all of those parenting skills you instilled within your child……

11. All those mothers day and birthdays gifts you get from your child? I buy them and make your child give them to you.

12. Regardless of whether their father is around, I’m your child’s primary care giver. While I would never hurt a child is it all that wise to make an enemy out of me?....

13. You could have gotten much more money had you not involved the courts.

14. Your ex’s flaws didn’t disappear when he married me, so a lot of the times I actually sympathize and agree with you.

15. My husband/your ex told me all your past business…I know all your secrets!

16. You would have gotten under my skin more, had you stayed friends with my husband…

17. You make me look good with all that drama you create and “angry woman” personality you exude.

18. Did you know that you have a permanent frown on your face, all the time?

19. He’s not coming back to you. Ever. Your actions over the years have made that a certainty.

20. I think it’s funny when you refuse to acknowledge me.

I NEED A NEW CAR.....

2011-06-09T06:00:00.001-04:00

I NEED (WANT) A NEW CAR...

So in the new spirit of taking more time for myself and marriage, hubby and I went into Manhattan for dinner with my brother and sister-in-law. Now I have to bring you up to speed on my car game—I’m playing play station to most folks Xbox! Alright it’s not that bad, but yall I drive a minivan, and not the new ritzy ditzy one. I drive an older model minivan, a 08 with no leather, and no other extras outside of (in my best promo voice) “the seat go down for storage!” They didn’t even give me mats!

THE DREAM CAR

So we arrive at my in-laws house for ouR night out, and we are actually driving hubby’s car, which is small, cramped, grungy and smells like booty and feet. The van’s air conditioning is on the fritz and it’s to hot to even consider riding in it. I slide myself in the back seat of their seven seater luxury vehicle. Ahhh! Leather seats, TV’s in the headrest, dual control cooling… The list goes on, and on. After our night is over, and I get back into my pumpkin, I look at hubby and whine “we need a new car!” Then I really think about what I said which is “need’. I really don’t need a new car, I want a new car. I was starting to display the beginning signs of new car fever.

NEW CAR FEVER

Don’t even pretend yall don’t know what I’m talking about when I say new car fever. We all get it and usually around early spring and into summer when people are out washing and shining their whips. All of a sudden the vehicle you paid and are still paying good money for is not good enough. As you get out of your messy vehicle littered with straw wrappers, crumbs and if you’re a mommy toys---you look over at that woman getting out of her clean, shiny and immaculate NEWER vehicle, and begin to "covet thy neighbor’s car”. I’m not even a car person, but after riding in that car, I was craving a luxury vehicle.

IT’S JUST A CAR

Yet if I look at the picture honestly then I don’t really need one, and frankly I don’t take care good care of the one I have now. It doesn’t stay clean, and I don’t get regular maintenance when I should. I finally realized that in my vainness, I want to “look” prosperous. Yep old vanity rearing its ugly head again! I mean I really just need to take better care of the van, and keep it washed so that it looks nicer. The payment is low, and I’m close to actually owning it, which has never happened in my life.

If I really think about it, it’s just a car. It’s just a car! It doesn’t appreciate, it depreciates, and the one I have serves it purpose of getting me from point a, to point b. Over the years I've spent enough in lease payments, and car payments to own at least two cars! Everytime I was even halfway to paying one off, new car fever took me down. How wonderful it would be to be to not have a car payment!

So did I conquer new car fever? Nope! Even after all that insightful thinking, yall I still want a new car, but I’m not getting one. I’m going go wash the minivan, vacuum it out, clean the inside and once again proclaim to myself and the kids that “this time it’s staying clean”, oh and “no more eating in this van!” We'll see how long that lasts...

Questions

How important is a hot new car to you? AND

Do you take good care of the car you currently own?

the diva

Getting what you ask for..

2011-06-08T06:00:00.001-04:00

Poor me.....

Okay today I was once again bemoaning the state of my life, for this is something that lately I’ve been doing quite often. Well I of course began to blame everyone around me, including God for not giving me the kind of life I wanted. Then something said inwardly “yes I did. I gave you exactly what you asked me for”. Now this threw me for a loop, because if true, it would mean that I’m just an ungrateful whiner. So I had to prove this statement wrong. Off I went to find my journal, notice I said journal singular, as in one measly journal... Well that’s another story, but let’s just say that my attempt to chronicle my life through journals, failed miserably.

So anyway I’m combing through the entries, which aren’t many over the past ten years, and there it is in my scrawling handwriting, “God, I just want to be married with kids, and be able to stay home with them, write and go to school.” And another entry says, “I just want to move far away, where noone knows me. Some place exciting!”

Well there it was.

There was the proof that affirmed I’m just a big ungrateful baby. I received the exact kind of life that I prayed for, and I’m still complaining. I am a stay-at-home mom with two beautiful kids, I now live in NY, I’m attending school and I have the opportunity (if I choose) to write every day.

All things I asked God for down to the letter. Now this was too much truth for me at the moment, so I immediately began to tear down my realization. Well I said to myself I really meant I wanted to go to school full-time, so that part hasn’t happened. Oh, and I don’t live in Manhattan, and that’s the really exciting part of NY so that wasn’t true either, and I’m at home with the kids, but my husband doesn’t appreciate it, and I don’t have the money I want coming in and I can’t write everyday because the kids keep me busy…. My list went on, and on, until even I got tired of my whining. “Shut up”! I said aloud. I am blessed, and according to Psalms 37;4 “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart., I did receive the desires of my heart. He gave me exactly what I wanted, or what I thought I wanted at the time. If I’m not happy with it then that’s my problem. What I really need to do is sit back praise God, and enjoy my blessing.

Then another thought came to me, did I follow thorough on what I promised God? Now I knew the answer this question without even looking back in my journal. I knew because I felt a little guilty everyday. I had promised to love him with all my heart. I promised to continue to serve him with fervor, and I had promised him that if he blessed me, that I wouldn’t forget about him. I promised to keep the same relationship with him that I had as a single woman. Yet it was I who reneged on my promise, not God. Over the years my relationship with Christ has become stagnant, and occasional. I only want him around when I want something, and then I'm in church every Sunday till I get it. Wow, I thought to myself. I’ve basically been calling God for “booty calls’! All the while complaining that he did me wrong.

Enlightment

How must I appear to God? I was no longer “delighting myself” in God. The bible says “seek ye first the

kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto it” I must say that I was truly ashamed of myself.

So much God has given me, and all I do is complain for more. I used to read the story about the children of

Israel

and wonder how they could be so ungrateful, yet here I was just like them.

Questions

How grateful are for what God has given you?

Think back over your life, what are the things that you prayed for, that God blessed you

with?

Now what think back to what you promised God, have you followed through on your end?

Lately I'm feelin so FLY!

2011-06-07T10:21:00.000-04:00

Wearing my hair in it's natural state, and I am feeling so FLY! I just feel so set apart from everyone else, and I can go out in rain, humidity or wind, and not even care! I twist it up at night with some shea moisture mist and keep it moving! As I approach forty and am really starting to feel more at peace and confident with myself. The past few months finally taught me a lesson that I've failed to learn up to this point. Stop overwhelming myself! I've been burning the midnight oil for the last few months. Yall I was working two part time jobs, going to school full time, and still doing the stay-at-home mommy bid during the day, as well as taking care of all the household duties. All seven days of the week I had something scheduled. If I wasn't working, I had class, and vice versa. I was cranky, house was messy, and I was miserable. Yeah, I know... I always get into these wonderwoman roles, where I think that I have to do everything, and then I get so burnt out, that I'm yelling at my kids/husband and looking like an old crackhead cuz I don't have time to take care of myself. Did I mention how messy the house was? I was sooo stressed. However I finally finished my two year degree (trying to learn to say that proudly-cuz mama still has self worth issues) and now it's on for my bachelors degree. Yea for me!

After that horrific experience I made some decisions. I quit one of the part time jobs, and kept the most enjoyable one. I work in retail, and get a fabulous discount. They worked with me with the hours, and I'm able to dress up and look cute for a few days out the week. It makes me feel good to be able to add something monetary to the household cuz I still need work in the self worth aspect of being an at-home mommy. I continue to grow and become more confident in myself and my abilities BUT I'm learning how to say no, and take more time for myself.

In my current sales position I was offered a full-time manager position, and boy did I struggle on whether to accept. More money and a title no matter how small means validation! For a stay-at-home mother validation is BIG. I had to really think about what I wanted and you know what? I turned it down. I tell you guys I'm learning... I realized that I would be overwhelmed and working all the time, and it would leave little room for schooling and time with the kids. I am finally getting more comfortable in taking a little time for myself and recognizing that I don't have to do everything and be everything at once. Just contributing a small amount of money to the household is enough, and I even told them I could only work four days per week, in order to have more time for myself! This is big for me guys, because I never take time myself. I used to fill every available hour with something, whether school, or cleaning or doing something with the kids. The other thing I've stopped doing is taking the kids to all these different activities. Now I bring my butt home, and relax! I turn that television off, and tell them to play with all that crap that I bought them in their rooms. I take them outside in the driveway, and let them blow bubbles, and then I maybe give them an hour of television. I'm learning that I create my own stress, by trying to do too much. My new motto is to "keep it simple". Guess what else I decided? Once my youngest is in school full time (another year) I'm not going back to work full-time! Why do we mothers finally reach the enjoyable time of stay-at-homeness, when you get the majority of your day without the kids, do we go back to the full-time jobs. I'm going to do some substitute teaching, keep going to school, and RELAX!

Do you guys consistently overwhelm yourselves? Why?

Black Friday!

2010-11-26T11:36:00.000-05:00

Sorry yall but I'm to old to go shopping on black Friday! I want to be out there, I really do BUT.... I just don't have the patience. I really don't think you save that much more money either. Working in retail has clued me into one thing. Never pay full price, because eventually it's going on sale! Within two weeks of receiving shipment in the store I work for, it goes on sale. I'll never pay full price again. So black Friday in my opinion, is just a gimmick. That same stuff will be on sale next week, and on clearance the week after.

Thanksgiving was blessed. Hubby and I made our first turkey, and small dinner! It's kinda hard to create your own family traditions when you have in-laws and extended family. Everyone wants you to come to their house, when you really want to start establishing your own holiday rituals. The logistics can be tricky, because people get real sensitive about this kind of stuff. So this year I suggested that since my in-laws eat so late on Thanksgiving, that we make our own dinner early and have Thanksgiving lunch. Now I think this is a great compromise, where I can start to create a little at home tradition for the kids, and still keep the other traditions intact. As you may have already guessed some people didn't think it was a great thing.... My in-laws didn't come out and say it, but they were perturbed that we didn't invite them.... Which I don't quite understand, since I wasn't trying to make a huge dinner or anything, and I definitely didn't want the pressure of preparing a dinner for other people.... Sometimes it seems like that whatever you do, you can't please everybody. So anyway it just so happened that my in-laws decided that this year of all years, that they would eat early... Umm yeah.. I know.. Family, ya gotta love them! Enough said. Hubby and I still had our "Thanksgiving lunch " and it was great, and then we ate again at the in laws. Now the in-laws made me pay for this infraction by defiantly overloading the kids with candy, and slinging veiled insults at
my parenting skills, but I had my Thanksgiving lunch! You take your power where you can. And guess what? I'm having my Thanksgiving lunch next year too, so there! Oh, and Christmas? Well I'm going for the prize on Christmas. I'm having my OWN Christmas dinner, and I'm going to suggest a Christmas brunch at the in-laws. I know it's suicide but what can I say, I like to walk on the dangerous side. I'll let you know how it pans out.

So I'm working part-time/seasonal and the job is very interesting. I've never worked in retail before and I struggle everyday to find appropriate clothing that doesn't look like mommy gear, to wear to work. I never realized how "mommy" my appearance had become until I started working in retail. Those young girls with their leggings, and high heeled boots... Their makeup is perfect, manicures fresh, clothes fitted and they know just how to put together the clothes and I feel incredibly inadequate next to them. Here I am almost forty and some little twenty year old is outdoing me! I want to yell sometimes, "don't you know who I used to be!" but then I look at my mommy slacks that could be taken in a bit at the waist, and my boots from three years ago, and my nails that desperately need a manicure, and I sigh..... I've been slippin. How does that happen? How can you be turning heads one day, and then the next day your just the "mommy"? My "boss" is 23! Twenty-three!!!!! She was in high-school when I had my first baby! Ya gotta laugh at it though..... What else are you going to do?

So the other day I'm dropping my kindergartner to school and I overhear this conversation these two girls are having. They are both Korean exchange students and one girl said she was going to stay home with her kids when she married. Well the other girl ripped into her, and told her that all she would end up doing is laundry, cooking and driving people around. Now as I was just about to "drive" my other child to preschool, I was highly offended. It really made me think about how as parents both stay-at-home and outside-working parents, we do so much and these kids don't appreciate it. This teenager dismissed what her mother does for her in a few sentences, and it makes you wonder.... Is that how my kids will see what I've done for them one day? I guess my point is as parents we have to be so careful not put all of our energy into these kids. I'm not saying we shouldn't put energy into raising our kids, but sometimes we put everything into them, and have nothing left for ourselves. Ya know what? Kids our selfish.

Fairy Dust

2010-09-25T19:36:00.000-04:00

Do you believe in fairy dust?

Yeah---fairy dust? The stuff that God sprinkles over us, and POOF—things happen.

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF! Your bills are paid.

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF! Your life is exactly the way you want it.

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF! Well you get the picture.

You know what’s so great about fairy dust? You don’t have to do any work. You just wait for the sprinkle, sprinkle part. Now you smile, but come on. How many of us are still waiting for fairy dust of some kind to change our lives? As I was laying down for a quick snooze as my kids napped, I was once again bemoaning my life.

BOO HOO—I have to take care of kids all day!

BOO HOO—I don’t get to wear all the latest styles.

BOO HOO—life isn’t exciting.

On, and on and lamented the very state of my existence. Then I thought about it a bit deeper.

When we think of our lives, and how to change it, we never want to think too deeply. This would mean that we may actually have to face some reality. My reality?

The things that I want out of life require hard work, and I don’t want to do the work.

Hard stuff, to wrap your head around. No one likes to admit that they don’t want to do the work to change their lives. We like to blame it on, the kids, or the spouse, or our circumstances. We definitely don’t want to blame it on our lack of drive. Yet here this bit of truth was staring me in my face.

I want fairy dust!

I don’t want to work on getting my credit score up, slowly monthly by month. I don’t want to write out a budget, and stop sporadic spending. I don’t want to finish my degree, so that I can get a job, and then work my way up to a good salary. I don’t want to continue to work on my writing, and research possible places to submit work. I don’t want to work a part time job, and nickel and dime my way to paying off some bills. I don’t want to do a lot of stuff. Doing stuff takes to long, and require too much work.

What I want is a big heapin bag of fairy dust. Sprinkle, sprinkle…..

Sometimes

2010-09-23T15:59:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I hate motherhood so intensely that I want to scream. A ripping, piercing loud scream.

I can feel it starting somewhere in the pit of my stomach, and it longs to be set free---yet I subdue it. Who could know looking at me from the outside, that I have such ugly thoughts? The picture of content mother, I am. With my quiet patient voice, my mommy voice---but I’m not. Not really. I hate this thing I’ve become. Part mother, part wife, and none of me. It makes me ache, at what I’ve lost. Nagging kids, always needing, always wanting, always here….. All day, all night, every waking morning----they need something.

Yet this is just sometimes….

It doesn’t stop, and I wonder will it ever stop? What is it that won’t stop? That’s just it, I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t know what the “it” is. “It” is always changing. Is it motherhood? Is it marriage? Is it lack of fulfillment? Is it life? Is it the pure essence of everything all balled up together?

I don’t know, but there is always this nagging feeling that there is more out there. That I’m missing something. So I frantically gather all these different things to try to appease that feeling in some way. Yet I still come up lacking…

Is life so unfair, that you’re never truly happy until your old, and your body no longer cooperates with you? Is it that old woman, sitting in the coffee shop smiling at me, as I smile at my kids, that I’m destined to become? That old woman who looks as though she holds all the answers, and looks content to just sit and sip her coffee. “It goes by fast, so enjoy it!” the old woman tells me with a knowing smile. What I really want to say, as I smile back politely is, “It can’t go by fast enough!” Yet I know there is truth in what she says. I can look back at my twenties and realize I spent too much time and effort worrying about things that didn’t matter. Yet in this moment of parenthood, and thirtyhood it is hard to just “enjoy” it.

Yet the word sometimes, is really just that---sometimes. Sometimes is so great because it’s just that—sometimes—not all the time, but sometimes…. And sometimes it’s different.

Sometimes I enjoy the kids with their grubby faces, and their never ending attention. Sometimes I look at my husband, and am so thankful that of all the women he could have chosen--God gave him to me. Sometimes I love my cluttered house, with my yet unpainted walls, and many unfinished projects. Sometimes I love being so busy, that the day flies by. Sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes. What a great word.

I'm back!...Tired, but Back!

2010-09-18T06:18:00.002-04:00

So, I know I left you guys with a very vain post, about my pores.... I was so worried about the size, of them, and how they looked. Guess what? Their still huge. Guess what else? I could care less! The dermatologist appointment was a big waste of a $25 copay. She rushed through the appointment, as she had to get back to a procedure she was doing (someone spending extra money outside health insurance). So she wasn't to concerned about my issues, and told me their was nothing that could be done for pores, other than microdermabrasion. Oh, and she suggested and using her products, which she conveniently sold from the office. These she said, "are the only one's I can vouch for". What a racket health care has become! You spend hundreds of dollars on appointments, and they leave you waiting, and waiting, and waiting. When you finally get in the inner sanctum of their office, you wait some more! Then they come in, and spend less than five minutes with you, and send you home with samples, and prescriptions! Well I guess I shouldn't have been so vain..... Lesson learned.

Now for an update on my life: I am now a full time student, a part time employee, AND still doing the stay home mommy thing! Whew! My life is so busy, and chaotic that I even dreamt the other night that I was overtaken by a tornado. When I researched the dream, because it was very vivid, I found that dreaming of tornado's signifies a sense of overwhelming in your life. That is so true for me right now. I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off! So I'm trying to learn how to organize, and stop procrastinating. I want to start enjoying my classes, and enjoying my life, and not feeling so rushed all the time.

On another good note, I've been pretty steadfast in my spiritual life. I've been taking the time to pray and study my bible every morning (I've missed a few-but I've made them up). It's amazing what God will reveal to you, when you take the time and seek him. I am truly realizing that God has my steps ordered and orchestrated, and that nothing in my life is chance. I'm meeting people through different circumstances that I know will be of help to me in my future. I also am meeting people that need to be ministered unto. This is a little scary for me, but I'm asking God to give me wisdom as to how help people, and speak things of goodness to their hearts. This world has become such an uncaring place. We walk right by people who are hurting, and we tend to our own problems. I'm really beginning to step outside my own "inner-circle" of my family and I want to meet needs of other people. Their is a step in psychology that this is referred to, and it is the last step that they say people go through. I want to realize this now.

My enlarged pores

2010-08-05T20:39:00.003-04:00

Why are my pores so big? No really, why are my pores so big? All of a sudden as I creep closer and closer forty, the pores around my tzone have expanded.

Y'all, my pores are huge!

Now you would think that as many things as I could focus on in my life, that this would be the very least of them. Yet I can't help it. Every time I look in the mirror I see them. How vain is that? My face looks like I'm bathing in olive oil, and my pores stay open. I've tried clay masks, those painful biore strips, and to no avail. My pores are still staring at me, as if it to say "gotcha"!

Now I have an appointment scheduled with the dermatologist, but it's not until two more weeks. Oh, and get this. I go to make the appointment and the receptionist says "you have an outstanding balance, so we can't make any appointments for you". So I'm thinking, oh goodness, what didn't the insurance pay. Do you know that women opened her mouth, to inform me that I owed $5.00.

$5.00!

Now as much as I pay for an appointment she has the audacity to ask me about $5.00! It seems that my copay of $20 increased to $25. Her reasoning behind banning me from seeing the doctor, was "we sent you several letters". It's like the doctors office forgets that we are actually the customer, and it's up to them to satisfy us. Well anyway, hopefully after I get the privilege of seeing the dermatologist, she can put an end to this pore mystery. How much you want to bet the visit will end with me spending a lot of out of pocket money on her line of cleansing products? Everybody has a hustle.....

I know this was a frivolous post and I'm not going to even pretend it's anything else. So no questions today, I'll get deep for you tomorrow (smile)...

Simple living equals grateful

2010-08-03T13:08:00.002-04:00

Remember when you lived with a lot less? Not just financially, but emotionally and physically as well?

I was listening to a song on the radio from the eighties from a group called "The Winans", the song was entitled "The Question Is?" Immediately I was transported back to where I was, when I used to listen to this song. I could almost see myself in my parents home, sitting back on a Saturday listening to music, and just doing nothing.

Doing nothing...

How often do we just not do anything these days? I really miss those simple days from years before. My parents didn't cart me off to activity after activity, and they didn't feel guilty that they didn't. I spent my summers at home, no summer camp, no play groups, just sitting at home enjoying home. Oh, and if I opened my mouth to whine that I was bored, as I was prone to do, well mama knew how to fix that.

She put your behind to work. Mop the floor (on hands and knees), wash some dishes, dust some tables.....until I wasn't so bored. After that I was only too glad to get out of there and find something to occupy my time. Now I escaped mostly into books, while my sister daydreamed, and my brother watched TV, or took something apart just to put it back together again. Then sometimes we all went outside, and rode bikes, or walked to the corner store. The point is, my parents had little to do with my activities, because we were self sufficient. They kept their eyes on us, and laid down the rules for which their were dire consequences, but for the most part, we were self sufficient.

My parents struggled financially, but it wasn't over luxuries, it was over necessities. They didn't squander their hard earned money on a bunch of designer clothes, or all the new gadgets that I feel like I should have. The budget was pretty simple, food, mortgage, utilities, clothing.

Pretty simple huh?

Their wasn't a separate budget for eating out, movies, or personal care. Our only eating out expense was our McDonald's Friday, for which we lived for. You didn't order Big Mac meals either, you ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and small drink. Yet every Friday we looked forward to this night out, and we were grateful.

Grateful.

Now that's a word you don't hear often these days. I tell my kids to be grateful, and it irritates me when they aren't, but am I truly grateful? I would have to honestly answer no. If I were grateful, then the clothes that I spent so much money for, wouldn't be stuffed into drawers as we speak. If I were truly grateful, then my van wouldn't be so messy, nor my house for that matter wouldn't be so disorganized and messy. If I were truly grateful then I would take care of the things that I have with such care, that they wouldn't break down. If I were truly grateful then I wouldn't be sitting around thinking about how I can buy more things, without first appreciating the things that I have.

My life, and that of my family is in need of streamlining. I need to simplify my life by removing a lot unnecessary junk out of it. My kids can play right outside in my driveway rather than always running to the most high tech park out there. I mean they honestly have enough toys that I could create my own preschool! I need less eating out, and more eating what is right in my kitchen. Less snacking and more eating at designated meal times. I don't ever remember my mom saying "snack time!". Maybe that's why kids today are more obese than ever before....

I do to much laundry!

Really, I entirely too much laundry. My mom had a family of five and she did laundry at the most twice per week, and this was done at the laundry mat until we could afford a washer and dryer. We didn't pull off clothes and throw them in the laundry baskets, you folded them up, and placed them back in your drawer to wear another day. The only thing you changed everyday was, underwear. How were we able to do this? Well for one thing, you were more careful about your clothes when you wore them. Why? Well because you were grateful, so you took better care of them when you would eat, and play.

Their is that word again.

Grateful. I really need to simplify my life, and be more grateful.

Question

How simple is your life compared to how you grew up?

Is it really back to school time?

2010-08-02T11:16:00.003-04:00

Wow can you believe it's August?! I see all these back to school sales, and it's amazing too me how retailers rush the seasons. It's more amazing too me how well it works! Cuz I wasn't even thinking about buying back to school stuff for the kids...until I saw the sale signs. Now I'm getting all in a panic, thinking "I've got to get school supplies, before their gone..!"

Before their gone....

Now you and I both know, that their will be stuff left over, for probably the same price. Yet that's how these retailers get us to spend our money. Soooo even though I know that I'm being controlled by the "machine". I'm taking my butt over to the Childrens Place, to catch that $5.00 sale on long sleeve shirts, for my soon to be kindergartner, and preschooler.

You can't fight the machine....

So I know I haven't been updating this thing everyday, but you have to admit I'm doing better than I ever have at it.

Besides you guys don't comment anyway.

Well I shouldn't say that huh? It sounds a little stank.... I also troll many blogs and never comment, so I shouldn't sit in my glass house, and hurl stones. But.... A girl would like a few of my questions answered, every once in a while....

So I was reading my curlynikki blog today, and it's her anniversary. I love that blog, it's so inspiring and she's a young lady that is really doing what she loves. She's been on Tyra, and is now a contributor to Tyra, all from one blog!

The bible does say that your gift will make room for you!

She put the work in was true to herself, and it paid off. She didn't start off trying to be famous. She was just trying to find ways to keep her natural hair healthy, and BAM! Her destiny hit her. How wonderful is that?

So it started my thought process going again. I began to ask myself questions. Such as why don't I post more of my own writing on this blog? Hmmm, am I afraid of the quality, the comments, the critique....? Yep, I am.

So on that note, I think I'll conquer some of my fears, and find a way to add a tab to this thing that lets me post some of my short stories, or maybe even a couple of chapters at a time of one my manuscripts. Did you know that's how the author Zane started? If you don't know Zane is a black author of some really erotic books. Look her up, your hubby will be glad you did! (smile)

Maybe one day I'll put a picture on this thing.... Baby steps people. Baby steps.

Questions:

Are you doing what you love to do? AND What inspires you TO DO what you love to do?

Last question: How do I add tabs do this thing?

enjoying not being with kids

2010-07-29T00:32:00.002-04:00

So I've been staying true to my commitment to pay more attention to my appearance. It's been paying off, and I've been getting lots of compliments. I've been rocking my natural curls, and it feels nice to be noticed. My four year old looks at me Monday, and says "mama you look pretty" and I was so flattered! Then he followed up with, "mama you can't look so pretty all the time". So of course I asked why and he just kinda giggled. Not sure what that was about, but if a four year old noticed your looking better, then I must have been looking pretty tore up!

So I've been getting a little more time away from my kids, and you know what? It makes me want to have even MORE time away from them. Isn't that terrible? Isn't that strange? Actually is it really strange? I started thinking about this, probably cause guilt was eating away at me, and I'm getting a different perspective on it. Maybe what is strange is how much time some of us mothers spend with our kids. Think about it. Back in the day, women didn't work outside the home, but they still didn't spend all day with the kids underfoot. If you lived on a farm, then you were working the farm. If you lived in the city, well then you were outside socializing with kids your age. You were rarely underfoot like kids are today. Parents didn't have to schedule play dates, or take you to the park. You took yourself, and you made your own friends.

So maybe, just maybe I'm not so strange after all........

Question:

Be honest do you REALLY like spending time with your kids?

What do your pictures say about you?

2010-07-22T12:36:00.004-04:00

What do your pictures say about you?

So I was looking through old pictures on the computer last night. Isn't funny how we don't print the pictures, but just download them? I have a printer, and yet I still don't print out the pictures! Well anyway, I was looking at old pictures, well actually not so old pictures. They were pics back from dating from 2003 to present. I noticed a recurring theme in all pictures after 2004. I look tired, old, and haggard! What happened to me? How could no one tell me that I've let myself go to this extreme. I'd like to blame most of the really terrible pictures on the age of my babies at the time. Unfortunately this doesn't excuse the pictures from this year.... I look like I don't care about my appearance. My face is usually set in a frown, and I look like.... Well I'll say it again, I look like I don't care about my appearance. This is far from the truth, because I do care, I guess I just don't care enough.

This is so ironic, because I can clearly remember how I viewed women like this in my single days. There were some women who I worked with, that always looked like they didn't take any effort with their appearance. Yet, when their was a special occasion, these same women knew how to get it together. They would pull out the makeup, the cute clothes, and fix their hair nice. Everyone would be amazed, and tell them how nice they looked. Then after that, they would be back to their same old look. Jeans, tshirt, hair pulled back into ponytail, and face devoid of makeup. I was horrified, that these ladies had let themselves go. The way I saw it, you should look your best all the time. It shouldn't matter that you weren't going anywhere, or doing anything special.

Flash forward seven years later, and look at me. I've adopted the same uniform, complete with ponytail, and I only fix up when I have something special to go to. I tell you motherhood and marriage will make you eat your words! I felt so horrible after looking at those pictures, that I've resolved to start taking time with my appearance everyday. Even if I plan on sitting in the house all day, I plan to look good. I look at all the clothes I buy, and sit in the closet to gather dust. Why? Because I'm waiting for a special occasion to wear them. I'm not talking about fancy pansy clothes. I'm talking about that cute sundress that I bought last month, but haven't worn yet. Or those cute sandals with the heel, that stayed in the closet all last summer, in favor of my thong flat sandal. Now I know I have to be practical. Mama can't chase after the kids in stilettos. Yet I have to be honest, and truth is, I don't do physical activities with the kids EVERYDAY. Sometimes we just go to the library, or the bookstore, and on those days, I could bring out that cute sandal with the heel....

Another thing I would like to begin to do, is take more pictures of myself. Nice pictures of myself. Maybe even professional pictures of myself! I don't have one single professional picture of me, outside of my wedding pictures. What's wrong with putting on something cute, and going to get a few pictures done of yourself at the mall? I said the same thing to hubby, and he agreed. He's been losing weight, and looking good, I might say! I told him that he and I should get some couple shots together. No kids, just us! Okay maybe a few with the kids, but definitely some without.

What I'm finding is, I'm not as young as I used to be. The things I did five years ago, may not necessarily give me the same results today. For example I've been noticing some very enlarged pores under my eye area. I had started noticing them, but didn't think they were to bad, until my sister made mention of them. You know what? I'm getting older, which means I need to start making a few tweaks to my old beauty routine. I'm finding a little primer, and a tiny amount of foundation goes a long way to covering those pores. Getting older doesn't mean that you have to look older, it just means that I need to pay a little extra attention to myself. Spend a little more money on body lotion, cuz that cheap crap doesn't cut it anymore. Pay for that paraffin treatment on my dry, tired hands. Oh, and maybe splurge on that facial cream, that eh, promises younger looking skin. I'm not saying I'm chasing youth, but I don't want to look like those pictures say I look like! One thing about it, when you look good, you feel good.

I feel inspired to want to change my mindset, and I'm sure my morning prayers are jump starting this feeling. I'm working on taking control of my emotions, and not letting them rule and control me.

Question for today?

Go look at some pictures, what do they say about how you value yourself?

2010-07-21T14:54:00.002-04:00

Are you living life?

People I missed two days of posting! I'm so sorry, and here I was trying to be so focused! Saturday was just me complaining, and quite honestly Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday would have been the same thing. But today, I'm back feeling motivated, and inspired! So lets see, Sunday was church, and a visit to my in-laws. I know what your thinking... Actually though, I don't mind visiting my in-laws, it's just that hubby never knows when to leave! The visit drags on, and on, and on.... I was hungry, and although she offered us dinner, I didn't want them to think we just come every Sunday to eat up her food. However I did watch "A Family that Preys" again, and it was just as good as the first time I watched it. I love that movie, in fact I think it is one of Tyler Perry's best efforts. Kathy Bates is really good in it, as well as Alfre Woodward. I like Alfre Woodward in any movie! If she is just in a movie, I will watch it. She's just so real, and down to earth. Actually everyone had some great acting in this movie, on down to Robin Givens.

There was a part in the movie, when someone said (I think Kathy Bates) "are you living, or existing?".

That got to me. Are you living or existing?... That is so deep!

A lot of time I think I'm just existing.... I go through the motions to keep the family running smoothly, but I'm not really living. How do you truly live, when your trying to exist? I mean we all have responsibilities, kids have to eat, someone has to watch them, bills have to get paid... You get the picture. I thought to myself, that if I was to truly live life, then something or someone would be neglected, and then wouldn't that be selfish? So I pondered this question, and it actually had me in a real funk. I started feeling sorry for myself, that my day hadn't been exciting. I mean all I had done was go to church, visit the in laws, ate dinner at Red Robin, and then went home to watch my kids watch television. Oh and I forgot I became extremely angry at hubby, for leaving me in the house with the kids AGAIN while he cut a bush down outside. I mean I was fuming, and he tried to apologise but I wasn't having it. I was all irrational, and I know I came off like a physco, because I wasn't truly mad at him. I was mad because I felt like I was just existing, and that bothered me....

Monday, I pretty much stayed in the same funk, still pissed off that I was just existing and not living. Became angry at hubby again that evening, because after dinner he sat down and started studying for his test. Now this bothered me, because I'm not doing so hot in my own summer class. I'm taking it online, and I'm not meeting the deadlines, and what really bugs me is that the class is super easy! I mean it's just getting on line and discussing things, just like I do here, and yet I'm not doing it. I blame the kids, and being so busy on this, but quite honestly it's just my own laziness. Because if I felt it was important, then I would make time to do it. Right?

So anyway, hubby is over their studying, and feeling all motivated about his class, and I'm sitting there watching him, and becoming incensed. So then I start making some noise, you know just to distract him. I know, I know, pretty childish. But anyway, I started making noise by rubbing my bare foot against the leather sofa, and he looks up, but doesn't say anything. Then he mentions something about how he loves being in school again. Now at that I get ticked off even more, because of the fact he gets to take his class in the classroom, while mine is online. You see for the last few years, I've taken online classes because he claimed he couldn't get home in time to watch the kids. Yet this semester, he took a class in the classroom, and he seems to be able to get home in time to do it, just fine...... Yep, I thought the same thing.

So anyway, after I couldn't get a rise out of him, I figure I'll do my homework, but now I can't get online, and I make a big tadoo out of it, yelling and carrying on. Hubby doesn't say a word (yall he must have been prayed up!) So then I go off in search of textbook, to read, and I can't find it. What I do find is my journal.

This is a journal I started in 96. My last entry in it was 2003! So I started reading it, and guess what? I find I haven't grown that much. In my journal all I complained about was not having a husband, children, and bills. In fact I wrote that if I could be married, have kids, and stay home all day writing, then my life would be perfect. Yeah, I know!! Look at me now, I have a husband, children, and technically I could spend a good portion of the day writing, but I don't. So now I was in even a bigger funk, because on top of just existing, I was now an ungrateful turd.

So what to do, what to do?..... I updated the journal to include my marriage, and kids, and I went to bed. I didn't sleep well, and I just didn't feel good. So Tuesday morning, I woke up and I prayed. This is something I should have done in the first place! I prayed and I felt better, and I resolved to stop existing but start living the life I was in right now.

I'm trying to change my mindset, so that I enjoy the things that I do routinely every day. I want to enjoy the kids, and enjoy caring for them, and enjoy preparing healthy meals for them, AND enjoy my time away from them. I am trying to learn how to really LIVE the life that I exist in. If that makes any sense. So I know it's been a long post, but I just wanted to update you. It's been a good day today, and I got my prayer in again this morning. I'm going to evening church service tonight, and I have a nice healthy meal planned out for my family. Later tonight, I'm going to take some time for myself, and do my hair, while I watch a good show. Now that's living!

Okay questions for today?

Are you existing or living life?

Is Post Menstrual Syndrome real?

2010-07-17T18:27:00.003-04:00

It has to be PMS..... (post menstrual syndrome)

I am so irritable today, and as you can see by post on Friday, I was irritable that day also. It must be PMS. Has anyone else found that they are more affected by PMS as they get closer to forty? I'm finding that at close four or five days leading up to my menstrual cycle, I am just downright pissed!

For example take today. Everybody and everything is pissing me right off! Now hubby going golfing didn't really bother me this morning, because he was back pretty early. But the fact that he is outside right now mowing the lawn, is tickin the hell out of me! I know the lawn has to be mowed, but I just want him here inside this damn house enjoying the children, right along with me. I mean shouldn't he suffer and enjoy the kids on a Saturday evening too? Why do men get to accomplish their tasks without the hassles of kids? Take for example last week. He had a test to study for, so he decided on a whim to take the day off to study. He went to the library and devoted the whole day to studying, and did very well on his test. Now who do you think had the kids during this long study session? Yep, me. Now it shouldn't have been that big of a deal, because if he had been at work I would have had them anyway, but still..... Now last week it kind of irritated me, but not a whole lot, but today, right this minute, I'm am seething about it.

Must be PMS.

Here I have to wait until midnight to even open a textbook, but he just does what he needs to do, and doesn't give it a second thought about it. So seeing him mowing the lawn, and getting the joy of being able to accomplish something, well quite frankly it's pissing me off. Nobody watches the kids while I attempt to accomplish my tasks. Nobody takes the kids away when, I wash dishes, mop floors, or do any of the other various duties that fall to me, that he doesn't even notice. I've been wanting to organize their toys for months, but do you know hard it is to complete a project with kids underfoot? I put it in the give-away box, and they drag it back out before I can turn around good.

I was also ticked off that I felt forced into an activity today with people that I like, but don't know very well. It was pretty much told to me that, my lack of participation has expressed that I don't like them. Which quite honestly wasn't the case. My lack of participation expressed that sometimes I just get too busy, and involved with my own life, and that when I get a moment of free time, I just want to rest. So anyway once someone tells you that, now you feel obliged to participate, but at the same time your resentful that you have to participate, even though you don't really have to. That make any sense? Well anyway I spent half the day "participating" and showing myself friendly, and ended up pissed off, because I felt forced. How silly am I? Isn't that just so ridiculous. Now if I hadn't felt forced, and if I had gone on my own desire, then I would have felt like I had a good time. But when you feel like your doing something because you HAVE to, it changes the outcome. I compare it to how I will sometimes complain to my husband about his golfing. Then he will say "well fine, I won't go, and I'll spend time with you and the kids". Well now it's too late, because I feel like he doesn't really want to go, but is just doing it to oblige me. Crazy huh? Yeah that's what he calls me, when this happens (smile). I think it's just that people, including myself, want a person to really want to either go somewhere or do something. No one wants anyone to feel forced into it. I worked very hard not to appear forced as I participated, but I'm sure everyone there had probably discussed it, and said "she's just here, because we said something". You know what? They were right. Now I am sure my PMS had something to with my behavior today, at least I hope it did.

Questions for the day:

Is PMS just an excuse we women use to be really nasty?

2010-07-16T11:08:00.002-04:00

Are the kids trying to drive me crazy on purpose.....?

Now as I sit here trying my best to write, my three year old is in my face. Now it could be a combination of Auntie flows impending visit (nickname for menstrual cycle) but I have a lot less patience for my kids lately.

Sometimes it feels like they are purposely trying to drive me crazy.

It's like they have conspired together and said, "let's get mommy!". I think that sometimes they believe it is their duty to keep me on my feet all day. If I attempt to do anything, and I mean anything for myself, they block it. If I sit down with a cup of coffee, all of a sudden someone is thirsty. If I try to write, or do homework, well then someone has to wash their hands or go to the bathroom, or wants a book read... You get the idea? If I attempt to use the toilet, then all of a sudden they have to use it also.

I can't win!

If I have the audacity to turn from their program on television, then it's a straight up war. They whine, they beg, and then they make so much noise (under the pretense of playing) that I can't even hear my program. Even in the car, it's question after question, after question..... If I look as though I may be enjoying a particular song on the radio, and begin to sing. Well then all of a sudden they burst into a Barney song, or a song from the Fresh Beat Band at the top of their lungs! I mean it's loud people. I swear if I hear "let's come together.." from the Fresh Beat Band one more time, I'll literally scream! By the way what is with this group? Nothing but a bunch of grown-ass people pretending to be kids, especially that tall goofy one...

If my husband and I attempt to have a conversation, they interrupt with questions and attempt to talk over me. If I go in my room for a minute of silence, then here they come. If I go downstairs to put clothes in the dryer, they are at the top of the stairs, demanding something be done for them. "I want a snack! I want something to drink!, Can we go somewhere?" It DOES NOT STOP! It's all day, and I feel like a damn maid to my own kids! When I say I don't watch television, I really mean to say I'm not allowed to watch television. My kids have monopolized every part of my life. Even when I try to pray in the morning, I can hear them knocking on the door, asking me what I'm doing.

Do they love me that much, or is it a conspiracy to drive me crazy? I'm beginning to wonder.....

Just sitting here writing this, I've had to tell each of them "goodbye" five times, because now all of a sudden they want to lay on me and hug me. I tell you, these kids know exactly what their doing. Now my husband? They don't bother him. He comes home, and shuts off their show, they whine a bit, and then go play in their room. They walk PAST him, to ask me to do something for them. Hubby says I'm the crazy one for letting them run me, and he's probably right.

They worry me so much, that by bedtime, I'm like a crackhead waiting for her supplier. I'm watching the clock, my hands are shaking, I can almost taste bedtime. I used to enjoy reading the stories, and tucking them into bed. But now? You should hear how fast I read those books, IF they are lucky enough to get a story read. I'm skipping over pages and making up my own words.... Oh and the silence I receive after they are in bed? As my three year old says "Oh my Jesus!" it's so sweet! It's better than sex.....

Should I feel that good, that my kids have gone to bed? Should I feel that happy, that I don't have to interact with them? I thought I was supposed to become a better, more patient parent as they grew older. I feel like I've gotten worse!

Do you know how many times, the word "SHUT UP!" has been on the edge of my lips, I mean the very tip of my tongue, ready to escape? Or how many times I have actually said out loud "BECAUSE I SAID SO!"? I had always prided myself on answering and explaining every question, but now? After I've explained why they can't have candy for breakfast for the hundredth time, I find myself yelling (yes yelling) "BECAUSE I SAID SO!". Okay and I will admit to you, I've said "shut up" out loud, waaaay under my breath, where they couldn't hear me. A very small, quiet, but satisfying "shut up".

I think at any moment the word "SHUT UP!" will truly escape these confines, and then I will truly become my mother. We think we are so smart with our books and new-aged ways of parenting, but maybe our parents had the inside track. Maybe their way WAS the best way. Cause I guarantee you, my mama didn't LET her kids drive her this crazy. Oh, and she definitely used the word "shut up".

Questions today?

Do you think the parenting concepts of our generation are causing more stress on us the parents, than the ones of previous generations?

2010-07-16T02:22:00.002-04:00

Child support is a touchy subject...

Yet knowing I'm a stepmother you can figure it was bound to come up. I admit I've been on both sides of the fence. Before I was married, I was pro-baby mama all the way. "Make that man pay", I would holler. In fact I can remember a girl I used to work with, collected child support for two kids she had from a previous relationship. He had remarried and she would refuse him visitation if he was late with payments. She took great joy, at slammin the door in his face, when he came for visits, and great joy at taking his money. Now back then, and I was younger, so don't think to harshly of me, but back then I thought to myself, "good, he needs to pay that money!". Now a small part of me, did find the fact that she refused him contact with his kids over money, a bit shady, but again I was young so I would just gloss over that part. She didn't need all the money she was receiving. She was spending it on frivolous things, like a motorcycle that she didn't have a license to drive, so it sat in the garage for years. She would loan money out to people who would never pay her back. She would buy crap and then give it away because she had no room for it. Basically she was trickin up this man's child support money, now her kids seemed well taken care of, and she was always had them clothed in the latest expensive item. She flat out told me, that she was pissed that he had remarried, and didn't care if he didn't have enough money to support his new family. In her words, "he shouldn't have gotten married, and had kids, mine come first!". In a way I kind of thought that too....

Flash forward years later, to my own marriage.

Hubby paying support that they had agreed upon, child is well taken care of, no drama, UNTIL we married. Just as soon as she realized that I wasn't just another girlfriend, and we were getting married. Drama with a capital D. Now all of a sudden, the support being paid wasn't enough, and it's back to court ordered support. No phone call to say "hey, we need to readjust the support", no discussion, nothing, just papers in the mail. Oh and visitation withheld, just for the hell of it. You see their was no custody agreement, or support agreement in place, they didn't need one. They were both working professionals, and had worked out a money arrangement that they were both satisfied with, and that took care of the needs of their child. Everything fell apart after that, and there has been nothing but DRAMA ever since. It's affected the child, her own family, and my family, all over money. But is it over money....? Let's be raw here. Child support, in this case, and maybe more cases than people are willing to admit, is about CONTROL and REVENGE. For a lot of women, child support is how they can get back at that man, for not loving them, or not marrying, or in some cases for being a low down dirty dog, or lets face it for their perceived feelings of being done wrong.. "Gurl, get that paycheck", friends tell each other, "hit him where it hurts!".

Yeah it does hurt. It hurts a mans pride, when he's made to look as though he is some deadbeat father in court, when he isn't. Now there are some deadbeats out there, lots and lots of them, but not all of them. Sometimes there is just a bitter, angry women who figures she has no other way to get this person back, than to hit his wallet. Child support has become big business, for some people. It pits wife against ex wife, ex girlfriend, and can sometimes tear a marriage up, if you let it.... I praise God every day that I wasn't brought up to love money. I like it just as much as the next person, but I don't love it. If hubby's ex girl wants money, if that what keeps her warm at night, then so be it. God will bless us to make more money, but will he bless your vindictiveness?.

Oh and get this, did you know that child support in NY is until the child is 21, even if that booger never goes to college! Yep you heard me, that child (or adult, since that's what he now is) can sit on his mamas couch eating Doritos, and she is still entitled to child support. Now if he does go to college, then the support goes directly toward college tuition and the remainder (if any) goes to the custodial parent (usually the mama). How foolish is that? Now I believe a parent should help a child go to college, but what if you have one of those kids, who is just in college foolin around? You know good and well if the courts were not involved, and your son or daughter was at college wasting your hard earned money, and not going to class, you would withdraw your support, and tell that buster to get a job! People who pay child support don't have that right, they have to pay regardless. People don't get the courts involved in your lives, learn to compromise!

Now I know some women are probably cheering, "well good!". Yeah you cheer, until the tables are turned, and your on the other side of that table. Believe me you, my hubby's ex sung a different song, when she was under the burden of those same child support laws. Now it became "poor me, I can't afford to live". To her son, who she wasn't even supposed to be discussing these things with she said "Your Fathers taking all my money, and I could lose my job at any time" causing a rift between him and his Dad..

Guess what? Studies show that a woman is more likely to be more of a deadbeat than than a male when she is made to pay child support. In fact, look at this excerpt from a 2002 Fox News report "The percentage of "deadbeat" moms is actually higher than that of dads who won't pay, even though mothers are more consistently awarded custody of children by the courts. Census figures show only 57 percent of moms required to pay child support -- 385,000 women out of a total of 674,000 -- give up some or all of the money they owe. That leaves some 289,000 "deadbeat" mothers out there, a fact that has barely been reported in the media. That compares with 68 percent of dads who pay up, according to the figures. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,59963,00.html

Now aint that about nothing!

More and more fathers are winning the rights to be custodial parents. Oh, and don't think the mother has to be unfit to lose custody. They look at other factors and your demeanor in court weighs heavy. I haven't decided yet how I feel about fit mothers losing custody.... What I do know, is that some mothers need to be more willing too cooperate regarding child support, before they are on the other side of that fence...

My question today is an assignment. If you were made to pay child support, could you afford it?

Take your adjusted gross income, and if you have one child multiply it by 17% and if two by 25% and if three by 35%. Now people that amount is your child support obligation for the year, divide it by twelve and you get your monthly child support obligation to your child. This amount doesn't take into consideration your other children (if you have any) from any previous relationship, or anything else. On top of this you still need to provide health care (which your probably paying for) and in addition to this, if your child is not school age, then you will pay for child care.

Looking at your current financial situation, answer honestly, could you afford to pay that amount every month?

Is child support fair?

2010-07-15T09:46:00.001-04:00

Taking time for yourself

2010-07-14T09:25:00.004-04:00

So I saw the play "Fences" over the weekend...

It was sooo good! We had great seats, and Denzel was incredible. The play really moved me, and made me think. I must say this was one of the best plays I have seen. It was the first time in a long time, that I was able to really dress up, and go into NYC. Usually when we go into the city (and believe me people it isn't often) I'm wearing flats, or in the winter Uggs. My husband has drilled in to me "dress for city walking", but this time I had the stilts on! The kind of shoes Wendy Williams wears, and people I felt sooo sexy. I figured if we can spend that much on play tickets, then he can splurge for a cab. I gave my hair a fresh wash, and flat-ironed it out, AND had the toes and nails done. Now I did feel a tad bit hoochie, cuz my dress was a wee bit short... but hey I don't get too be a hoochie often, so I enjoyed it. We went to dinner at B Smiths, which wasn't that spectacular, but the ambiance was good, and we even had after play drinks, which we never do. I even splurged on a $18 dollar sangria (isn't that insane!). It's usually in and out of the city for us, but this time it felt like... It felt like I was me again. I was me again!My eyes are getting a little wet as I write this, but I felt like I did, when my hubby (then my boyfriend) first took me into NYC. The years fell away, and I was "THE DIVA" with all caps. I felt young, sexy, and desirable. I thought to myself "this is what I imagined life would be like when I moved to NY". The only thing is, what goes up, must come down.... Cinderella and her Prince had to go home, pick up the kids, and pay the sitter. Then it's back home to the messy house I left in preparation for my night out. Don't you love reality? I'm not even going to lie, I didn't miss my little boogers one millisecond I was gone. Terrible mother aren't I? We didn't go to sleep until well after 3am (I told yall I was looking sexy...) and stayed in the house all day on Saturday, recuperating from our Friday night. Not as young as I used to be.....

Taking some alone time

So it made me think. If this made me feel so good and alive then why don't we do it more often? I guess what I'm really beginning to understand is that life is all about balance. Too much in one direction and everything topples over. Too much time doing the mommy stuff, and not enough alone time with hubby, makes for problems. Sometimes as mothers we get consumed by our kids, and just consumed by our "superwoman" attitude. Like take this play for example, I'll be honest, I wasn't tryna to spend two hundred and some odd dollars on a play! But my sister gave me some good advise not to long ago. She's been married twenty years, and I figure she knows what she's talking about. She said "anytime your hubby wants to do something without the kids, girl go!" You see I was that person that would say, "well why don't we do something as a family" when my husband would suggest we get a babysitter and do something. I would worry about the cost of a sitter, or worry about the kids at the sitter, or worry that hubby wasn't spending quality time with the kids... You get my meaning, I would just worry, and in the meantime he would get still get his alone time, while I would just sit there with the kids, pissed off at him. I'm learning people. I'm learning......

I remember a episode of "Sex in the City" where the chick who had the baby, was going away with the other women on a girls weekend out. Well her "babys daddy" at the time (I think she later married him) got cold feet about watching the baby by himself, and wanted to bail. Well she was furious, and so her housekeeper offered stay with him, and help him watch the baby, to which he agreed. But she was still furious and refused, because she said that she watched the baby all the time, and he should take some responsibility and watch the kid too. Now she was definitely right, but to what expense? So Carrie finally fed up, and wanting her friend to go on the trip was like "Girl, just throw some money at it, and lets go!"

This is my new anthem, just throw some money at it. Now is every situation like that? No, of course money can't solve every problem, but it sure can alleviate some stress. Sometimes we so caught up with being right, that we cut our nose off to spite our face. So now rather than getting all bent out of shape at hubby for not offering to stay home with the kids, and giving me some alone time, I just throw some money at it, in the form of a babysitter and I go and take me a break. This summer rather than running around like a chicken without a head, looking for free things for the kids to do, I threw a little money at it. I signed them up for a one day a week summer camp, so that I could have some time to myself. Now I will still have to find some other free activities for other days (I'm not rich), but at least I have one day. Now I know what your thinking, "well what if you don't have the money to throw?" Well then make a payment arrangement and throw some bill money at it. Stress kills people. I guarantee it would be a lot cheaper in the long run, than money spent on a divorce attorney, or defense attorney for killing your husband. You will always have bills, but you won't always have time, so what's more valuable? Now of course you can't do it all the time, use some common sense. But every mommy should have one day a week, where a couple of hours are just hers. Once that babysitter bill gets too high, maybe hubby will start offering you some "free" time. Even if you have to suck up your pride and ask your cranky mother-in-law to watch them, do it. Yeah she may talk about you, but you will get some time to yourself. Oh and you are not allowed to do anything work related on this time off. No grocery shopping, no cleaning, only mommy time or self time. Go read a book, or get your nails polished or take a walk. Or how about this, go to the mall and actually try something on. Don't just put the item up against you, because you don't feel like taking the kids into the dressing room.

I'm getting pretty good at this taking time for myself stuff, now I still feel guilty as hell when I do it. I still worry about the money I'm spending, and I feel like I'm a bad mommy for not spending that time with the kids, BUT I know this is good for me. I know that it makes me a better mommy, wife, and person when I take time for myself. Men do it all the time and don't give it a second thought. Hubby spends every Saturday on the golf course for six to seven hours, and guilt never enters into his mind. Why? Well I asked him, and you know what he told me? He said "I feel like I deserve a day off, after working all week?" You hear that? He deserves a day off. Yet I was feeling like that I didn't even deserve a few hours off. You know what? He's right, he works hard and he deserves a day off. You know what else? So do I, and so do you. As I said before, it all goes back to our own value of self worth. So now when I drop those kids off too the sitter, or write that check for summer camp day, I imagine hubby on the golf course enjoying his "deserving" day off and I try very hard to enjoy my few hours. Still working myself up to a whole day... Baby steps people. Baby steps.

Oh, and I saw another comment from my post yesterday. I am so jazzed up right now! Whoo Hoo!

Two questions for the day:

What activity makes you feel sexy and alive again?

Do you take time for yourself, and if not, why?

I'm growing. Well sort of....

2010-07-13T19:28:00.004-04:00

Okay so its been only seven months since my last post... Well, before you talk about me, in my defense, it used to be at least a year between posts, so..... Baby steps people. Baby steps.

I feel myself in a different place lately. I don't complain as much, and I think I'm doing better at that whole martyr complex of mine. I'm trying very hard to not see myself as a victim so much, and start recognizing that it starts with me. If you want change and progress, you can't wait until someone else initiates it, or helps you. You have to take charge, and make progress in spite of the things going on around you. I mean sure it would be nice if the people around me would offer more assistance with the kids, so that I could write (just a small complaint there). BUT if they don't, then I can't just sit around and complain. I have to write, in spite of the noise around me. Even if it's only a couple of words.

Now I am really geeked up right now (yep I said "geeked", and it really showed my age). I just happened to look at this blog, just to see if anyone has ever read my heart-wrenching posts, and.... I HAD ONE COMMENT! I am just cheesin extra hard right now. Somebody read my blog! I feel good. Oh, and it was a recent post, back on June 4, it has inspired me to write more. What if someone else is reading it, but just not posting? Yall what if Oprah is reading my blog. Okay that's a stretch, but you never know....

Okay time for updates on my life. We are now a family of four. My stepson decided to part ways and move back with his mom. Mixed emotions people.... I feel like we could have provided him with a better home, but I was gettin real tired of his antics. Possibly just plain old teenager antics, possibly some deeper emotional problems... You just never know. Well he was in cahoots with his mama, and they did it all on the down low. Late night phone calls with his law guardian.. Secret phone calls taken outside... Poor hubby didn't find out until he went to court on something totally different, and was told by the boys law guardian that he wanted to live with his mama! Hubby was so hurt, and felt so betrayed. The deceitful booger wouldn't even tell his dad why. Come talkin some foolishness about "I don't want to talk about it". The courts give these kids too much power, but that's what happens when you involve the courts in your life. So long story short, custody trial again, and this time they went solely on what my stepson wanted, and since he said back to mama, he is going back to mama. Which means back to child support, back to control issues, back to overcrowded gang school, and back to mediocre grades. It's really sad when you think about it. He was doing so well here academically, and would have branched out socially given the chance. Unfortunately he didn't have the support from his mama, and she played the victim but good. Had him all twisted up, talkin all disrespectful to his Dad. He was feelin himself and tried that crap with me... Yeah you know I told him off but good. Years ago, I would have ignored it, and waited for my hubby to deal with it, but I've learned over the years that this is the wrong approach. Kids respect you more, when you stand up for yourself. I let him know that he wasn't the authority in our home, and that he had better watch his tone, and how he spoke to me. Lord knows he doesn't speak to his mama like that. When his mother would call, it was "yes mommy", or "no mommy". Yet when he spoke to his Dad, it was "whatever!", or some other craziness.

I must say things are a lot more peaceful since his departure. Although I know deep down hubby misses him. I think...(smile) I have no regrets. I treated him fairly, and I showed him love and kindness. One thing I have always said is that, when he becomes an adult, he will never be able to truthfully say that I was every anything but nice too him. That was a goal and promise I made to myself when I first married my husband. I promised myself that I would never judge my stepson by his mother or fathers actions. Now sure I get truly pissed by flaws in both their parenting skills that I in turn had to suffer the consequences for, but hey life is unfair sometimes. I'm not a perfect parent either, and I can recognize that we all make mistakes. I was talking to my mother-in-law today about my stepson. I told her that because he is a teenager, a lot of his selfishness, and attitude, and other less than pleasing character traits are excused. Yet their comes a time when teenagers turn into young adults, and at that point we will get a true sense of his character, and we can no longer blame teenager moodiness for these traits.

Isn't that so true? At some point in everyones life, you have to stop blaming your character on issues going on around you. "Well, if he would act right, then I wouldn't always have an attitude!", or "I'm so bitter and unhappy because everybody did me wrong!" At what point do you grow up and recognize that perhaps this is just who I am? At what point do we take responsibility for our own character flaws, and attempt to correct them? Okay my question for today are:

What are your character flaws, and are you blaming someone or something else for them?

Do you want to be a celebrity? Really....?

2010-02-11T09:46:00.003-05:00

Okay I won't even begin to apologize for my lax in posting. Just love me anyway ok? Today I was perusing my favorite gossip sites, bossip, concreteloop... Reading about all the celebrities and when one particular one would catch my eye, I google them and find out their beauty secrets. Which got me to thinking... Why? Why am I and other people so fascinated about what celebrities wear, do eat, and go out with? Aren't they really just like us? Why do you think we try so hard to emulate people who are airbrushed into perfection? They have teams of people at their disposal to keep them beautiful and fit, and some of us look just as good if not better. Yet I still find myself copying their looks, or clothes. I have to admit they even sometimes inspire me to perk my own game up. Be honest, how many times have you seen a beautiful woman in a magazine or on television and thought "I'm going to do better to look good?"

Let's take for example Housewives of Atlanta. Now they may be ghetto, broke and quite ridiculous. But..... When I see them all glammed up, hair done, nails manicured, it makes me want to do better. When I see some of them (not all) starting their own business, and making that paper, well it inspires me to remember my own dreams. So maybe celebrities are the benchmark for what we believe success is. Is that so wrong? Is it? I know we really should put value into things that aren't as tangible, like our health, children, and self worth. Yet I am still drawn to all the glamour and excitement that celebrities bring.

Do I want to be a celebrity? I don't know. Sometimes I want the perks of stardom, but I don't know if I want the scrutiny. Isn't that what celebrities struggle with? Not wanting the attention but wanting the glory? If you could choose, which would it be?

Feeling inspired

2009-11-04T07:23:00.002-05:00

So Tuesday was terrible. I didn't get to do anything for myself but I did get some things done off my list. I made a list a few days ago because I was just feeling so overwhelmed. Lists have always helped me to feel organized;even when I'm not. There is something so motivating about being able to cross something off the list. Even if it's something small like "find red lipgloss". When I'm able to cross a few things off, then I feel like I accomplished something, and it's right there in black and white as proof.

So anyway I cleaned my bathroom tub, mopped the bathroom floor and recleaned and organized the drawers and underneath the sink area for probably the hundreth time. I know, I know the key to organization is to keep things organized, right? Yet I just can't seem to keep things organized but I figure if I just keep doing it, then its bound to stick, right? I also cleaned out my big, tall, cabinet that doesn't match anything else in my room, and is solely for housing all of my beauty projects purchased in a fit of "product junkyism". Did I mention I purchased another (okay two more!) beauty products. One was a coconut conditioner that was reviewed on curly nikki and the other was the matching coconut mouse. I have been trying to henna my hair for the last few months, but I just can't seem to make the time. Maybe this weekend but who I am I kidding? I tell you, that's one thing I miss making time for, and that's doing my beauty rituals. I read these blogs like curly nikki and I think "where the hell does she find the time do all this stuff?!" I mean she is doing the henna and the twist n curl's and overnight deep conditioners. Half the time I'm lucky if I get a shower! I think I've figured it out. She must not have kids. It will be interesting to see how much hair gets hennaed and twisted once she procreates. For now I'll just enjoy her blogs and live vicariously through her. She gives some great tips and her hair is gorgeous. Every day when I peek at it, I'm inspired to do something different to my hair. I get that way when I go to somebodies house that's decorated nicely or that is very clean too. I want to go home and emulate what I admire. I guess that's a good thing. Maybe that's why they say you should surround yourself with people you want to aspire to be. If you just sit around with other people who have junky, cluttered homes, and jacked up hair then you're never challenged to change or behave differently. My new friends home wasn't a masterpiece but it was a home like mine yet more organized. You can tell she likes to entertain and she made the kids and I lunch with her little salad spinner and homemade dressing. It just felt nice and has inspired me to start purchasing some home gadgets myself. Yep countertop, make way for the new salad spinner! I'm home so I might as well make it as comfortable as possible, right?

So my question this morning before my kids come in the here (I hear them talking to each other in their beds).

Does going to another persons home inspire you to change your own surroundings?

Stepmom blues

2009-11-03T07:30:00.002-05:00

So yesterday wasn't a great day. Today is looking pretty dim. Now I've already prayed and I'm trying to rid myself of negative thinking, but..... I just can't help but get a little pissed off about the taxi service I have to provide today. As a stepmom you can't help but to start feeling a bit resentful (okay a lot resentful) about having to "mother" someone else's child. My husband wanted custody but I feel like I do ninety percent of the work involved in taking care of him. Now I know that he works and I'm at home so, I shouldn't feel resentful, but sometimes I do.

Let's take today for example. Now I did all the leg work/phone calling to get my stepson this interview for a volunteer oportunity. Even when I asked my husband to call he never followed up. So knowing how important this is for my stepson's college applications, I set everything up myself. Today is Tuesday which is my busy day. My three year old has preschool and my two year old has mommy and me storytime at the bookstore. After that we have a playdate. So I have to have everyone dressed and fed, hair combed by 8:30am to get to everything on time. So drop off three year old, and take two year old to story time after our doughnut ritual. Now best believe she will be whining and complaining the whole time;kinda like what I'm doing now. After storytime we will go to our playdate and then go have lunch. Now here is where things get hectic. I have to pick my stepson up from his school at 2:00pm so no nap for the little one's so it's best if I just stay out until around that time and don't even go home. That means bathroom time will have to be in some public place. Have you ever used public restrooms with your little one's? Yeah it can get REAL nasty! So I have to pick him up at 2pm then take him to his interview at the museum. I'll have to get everyone out of the car, because their is no way the kids will let me sit in the car with the childrens museum in the line of sight. Now I KNOW once we get in their the interview won't take long, so I'll go through hell to make the kids understand that we have to leave the museum in order to get my stepson back to school for football practice. Football practice is at 3pm and should go untill 6pm but it always doesn't. Sometimes he calls at 5pm right when I'm in the middle of cooking and says "I'm done early can you pick me up" which I then have to get pack up the kids and stop mid-cook and go pick him up. Well anyway if practice does run until 6pm then I have to pick him back up again from school and take him to tutoring. Tutoring ends at 7:30pm and it's highly unlikely that my husband will get home in time to pick him up because he is working in the city today of all days. Now my husband also has a eye appointment at 5:30 that he had me make but now says he doesn't think he'll be able to make. So I'll have to look like an idiot and call to cancel that when I actually need to go to the eye doctor myself but won't be able to because of my stepson's activities. Now in between all of this I need to find time to cook dinner and clean the house and do some math homework, which I'm already behind in;but I probably won't. Now I will do all of this running around on my stepsons behalf while my husband sits his behind in Manhattan probably grinnin and skinnin at his coworkers and talking sports. Then he'll come home and all praise will go up because "daddy's home!" and he'll look around at the house with that "what does she do all day" look on his face. When he is jabbering with his friends he will moan and sigh about how much work it is to be a custodial dad, and I'll sit there with a sour look on my face, thinking "it must be nice". Oh and while I do all this running around for my stepson, he my stepson will sit there with a ugly look on his face as though he can't stand to be in the same car with me and mumble out one syllable answers to my questions.

Me: "How was school?"

Him: "good"

Me: "Any homework?"

Him: "some"

You see he tries his best to think of me as just a "worker" kinda like the maid or the housekeeper. If I don't speak to him when he gets in the van, then he won't speak at all. I'm not sure if this is just teenager crap or he just thinks of me as the "stepmonster" so figures it's best he not speak to me at all. At any rate when he see's his dad, its all love. Sometimes he tries to speak about me like I'm not in the room. For example if I close the door to his room, he'll ask his dad really loud in front of me "who closed my door;my door should stay open!".

My Monday Rant

2009-11-02T09:09:00.005-05:00

So it's M0nday.... I can remember back when I was a carefree single girl with no kids that I dreaded Mondays. They were an end to my weekend and a start of another work week. Now I still dread Mondays but my reasons are entirely different. The main reason is that I'll be alone with the kids again while my husband goes to work. He'll get a break and I won't is pretty much what it amounts to. They (the children) awaken early and thus begins the begging. I need milk! I'm hungry! Can we go somewhere?! Isn't it amazing how kids will repeat the same thing twenty times until they get it? If only I could be that persistent then I could maybe nag my husband into completing all these half completed projects around the house. Or maybe I could nag myself into becoming a published author.

My husband really pisses me off sometimes. He has the audacity to open his mouth and utter complaints and gripes about what I don't do while I sit there looking at all the crap he's started and never completed.

Let's start a list, shall we?

Holes in the ceiling from a yet unfinished recess light project, A half painted wall in the hallway that he started a year and a half ago. A microwave oven purchased three years ago that still hasn't been installed in the kitchen and sits in the basement collecting dust. Linen closets and bedroom closets with no doors. Windows with no blinds. Dry wall patches never painted only sanded. Daylight peaking through gaps that need to be caulked before Central Hudson comes and gets our first born for payment. The insulation of the entire home that he starts every few months completes a little bit and then stops. The atrocious lawn that has more weed than grass that he rarely does anything with including raking leaves or mowing the grass. The handrail that he never put up by the stairs so that the children teeter precariously as they go up and down. The garage that noone can use because he pushed all the junk from the basement that he never finished into the garage (this was so that he could do the floor of the basement-but he never completed it) making it unusable. So now when it rains the kids and I just get soaked as I run from the house to the van. The storm door that was never purchased and installed which further inflates the energy bill. The ceiling in the hallway that he just HAD to put a pull out door in. This was because he needed to get into the attic to insulate... Yeah that same insulation project that he started two years ago and still has not finished. So now every fall/winter the kids and I walk around in sweaters and jackets while he sits in a nice, warm office and repeatedly calls to make sure that I'm not turning up the heat to high. The window pane that freezes and ices over because it's missing an outside pane that he never replaced. Did I mention the basement? Yeah I did but I forgot to mention that the whole wall seperating the garage from the basement is missing... Yep missing. You see he removed that wall when he gutted the house. The bathroom downstairs that will probably never be finished. He's slow with all projects but bathrooms in particular are slower than most. The last bathroom he did in our old condo required us to stay in a hotel and then once that became to expensive, with his mama! The ceramic in the foyer that he never grouted. The grouted floor in the kitchen that he never sealed after it was grouted so now it needs to be grouted again. The stair case that nees to be painted because it looks all cruddy and nasty. The outside door that needs to be painted and the peeling paint around the door that gives it that "I don't care how my house looks appeal". The peeling pink paint around the garage that needs to be removed and painted. The pictures sitting on the floor that need to be hung. I think I mentioned that we still have paper blinds on windows after three years? Yeah I did.

Now you may think to yourself well why don't you just hire someone? Uh Uh that's a big "NO" in my husbands book. First of all their is the financial aspect of hiring somone that he says we just can't do and then their is the reason he won't talk about. Control. Yep he's a control freak who can't admit he's a control freak. We could budget the money to get one project done at a time but he doesn't want to pay anyone what he thinks he can do. In a lot cases he can do it and he is very talented at what he does, but he just never finishes anything.

Our house is a testimony to all of his unfinished projects and I have become so disgusted at looking at them that it cause me not to want to do anything at all. I look at him sometimes and I just get so angry. It can't be healthy to feel this much anger, yet I love him. I came into marriage so naive. I always assumed that in a marriage what was important to you would be important to your spouse. Yet that's not the case. In marriage selfishness rules and I haven't quite learned how to be selfish. I'm trying but it's still very hard for me. When I complain he says that he doesn't do a lot of things because I won't keep the house up. Lies. Even though he attempts to make me feel like an incompetent housewife, I know that I'm not. I'm not perfect but do a whole lot more than a lot of wives and stepmoms would do. I used to get all upset and then attempt to be all that he wanted me to be but now I say "whatever!". He is definitely not perfect and neither am I. So what the hell you come home and their are toys on the floor. You have kids, get used to it. Or who cares that you washed a load of laundry when you got home from work or washed dishes. This is your home too and contrary to your belief system it's not just MY job to take care of the home and children. It's my job when your at work but when your home we SHARE in the responsibilities.

I'm getting fed up with a lot of crap that has been going on in my life. I need to take more control. I need to get selfish...

Where did September go?.

2009-10-28T08:48:00.002-04:00

I don't know where the month of September and October went, it just flew by. For the past two months I've been mommy on the go. From taking the little one's to preschool, and mommy and me classes and then to after-school football practice, and tutoring. Then right back home to laundry, dinner, cleaning house and my own school work. Whew! I'm tired!

It feels like there is never anytime for myself. I rent movies to watch and they just sit and collect dust until Blockbuster calls to tell me they want them back. I've become the frumpy mom, complete with no makeup, ponytail and the same outfit day after day. So how does one correct this? How do you stop being frumpy "do-it-all" mom?

Maybe we have to become a little more selfish.

I know that sounds terrible right? Yet I think it is sometimes necessary to be selfish in order to maintain sanity. I let my home go all last weekend, and guess what? Noone reported me to the local newspaper for being a terrible mother and wife... Dishes lay in the sink and cheerios littered the floor. Laundry piled up and I didn't cook anything for anyone, instead McDonalds and Wendys fed my little one's and the husband and teenager fended for themselves. I did homework, I took the kids to the toy store and I did nothing. Saturday morning while everyone slept, I crept out of the house like a ninja at 6am and went to Paneras. I took a book with me and had a cup of coffee and read until my husband called me around 8am. "Where are you", he said in a somewhat irritated tone. "When are you coming home?" once again in an irritated tone. He couldn't complain to much because he had snuck off to golf Thursday and left me sick with the kids, as well as he went to the movies Friday night, and was going again that evening to a birthday party with his friends.

The best part of my morning? The silence. It was so nice to have some peace and be able to sip a cup of coffee without the kids. In fact I think I do it again this Saturday morning. I also went out with a girlfriend on Sunday night and had dinner and drinks. I didn't worry about the money or the time, I just enjoyed. It was nice being so selfish. I also didn't "ask" my hubby to watch the kids, I just told him I was going out, and "expected" him to take care of the kids, just like he "expects" that I will take care of the kids when he goes out.

So what I'm learning is that sometimes you have to be a little selfish in regards to time for yourself. If you don't take the time, then nonone will ever offer it to you. They will just the assume that you enjoy being the frumpy, do-it-all mommy....

My question for you

Are you selfish enough?

What do you choose to be today?

2009-08-24T11:32:00.003-04:00

“M-I-I-I-L-L-K!”

“M-I-I-I-L-L-K!”

I wearily open one eye, and cover my head with the pillow. Maybe he’ll go back to sleep. There is silence for a few minutes, and then he bellows again, sounding for all the world like a cow.
“MOMMY M-I-I-I-L-K!”
I love him. I really love him, but right now I’m just pissed! It’s 6:30 in the morning, and he’s up already. He didn’t go to bed till after 10 last night, so he should be tired. But no, he’s awake yelling for milk. If I don’t hurry and honor his demands, he’ll wake the other one up.
I roll out of bed, and quickly enter the room they share.
“I want milk money” he says in a plaintive loud whine.
“Shh!” I respond glancing furtively over at his sister’s crib. Fortunately she’s still asleep. I stare back into the face of my almost three year old little boy.
Pure anger courses through my veins, and for just a half of a second, maybe a millisecond, I want to spank him.
The urge to punish him for waking me up, goes away just as fast as it came, but my hostility still remains. I never could understand how parents could abuse their children, but I can see how it starts.
I’m so tired. Why won’t he just go back to sleep? He can’t be that damn thirsty at 6:30am. Why is he so needy?! All these thoughts flying through my mind, as I stare down at his little face.
“Are you angry mommy?” he asks innocently as only a child can.
Shame replaces my hostility.
“No, mommy’s not angry” I lie.
“We have to be quiet” I say. “We don’t want to wake sister up”.
“Are you sad?” he whispers taking my hand and getting out of his train bed.
I think about his question for a moment, and then I answer.
“Yes Miles. Mommy’s sad” I answer honestly.
My eyes well up with tears, as I recognize the truth of this statement.
I am sad.
Somewhere in between marriage and kids, I’ve lost myself, and it saddens me.
I’m not me anymore.
I’m someone’s wife, someone’s mommy, but I don’t exist outside these titles.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Marriage and motherhood was supposed to enrich my life, make it better, and complete me. I must admit I imagined being a stay-at-home mother, was going to be a breeze.
I figured I’d love on my kids all day, while preparing elaborate meals for my husband, and keeping an immaculate home. In my downtime (yeah, I thought I’d have downtime) I would pursue my writing career, and in my spare time (yep, dumb me thought their would be spare time) I would go to school and finish a degree. My home would be like a preschool for my little ones. I vowed to rarely turn the television on, as I myself would fill their minds with books and knowledge.
I’d be a regular Joan Cleaver I thought, remembering the reruns of “Leave it to Beaver”. Except unlike Joan I’d also be career minded. I imagined my husband coming home to me looking exceptionally fly and sexy. I imagined I would greet him at the door with a cup of tea, and then once I settled him comfortably, I would draw him a bath. Yeah I used the word “draw’. That’s how out of touch with reality I was.
I would be a triple threat. An exceptional wife, mother, and career women. Oh yeah, and I’d also be in exceptional shape, because I’d be working out everyday.
Yeah right! What I didn’t plan on was the reality of life. First of all, two kids under three do not equal an immaculate home. It equals, toys strewn all over the place, and me struggling to put them away just as quickly as they pull them out. I didn’t count on trying to grocery shop with children for these elaborate meals, or the mountain of laundry that had to be completed on a daily basis.
I didn’t figure in the number of diaper changes that had to take place, or that by the time I fixed breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner, and then served breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner, and then cleaned up after breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner, that I would be dog tired, and half the day would be gone.
I didn’t realize that the only time I could pursue my writing career was while the kids napped, or if they napped. But nap time produced too many decisions. Do I cook dinner? Do I clean the home? Do I do laundry? Do I sleep? Do I eat breakfast/lunch? Do I workout? Do I shower and get dressed? Or do I write? I never imagined that I would begin to use the television as a babysitter in order to get things accomplished, and then feel disgusted that my babies had watched television all day.
I didn’t plan on my husband coming home later, and later each evening. For someone has to make the money. Nor did I count on the feeling of uselessness I would feel at not bringing anything of monetary value into the home. Or the hints by my husband, that he was the one providing for our family, not myself so money making decisions were more so his department.
My job as he often reminds is to take care of him, the family, and the home. “You can do you, when they go to school” he tells me, not trying to be selfish, but not realizing how selfish this sounds.
What we don’t say out loud, is the truth. Which is; I will never be able to “just do me”. Neither one of us will ever be able to just “do us”. There is no me or him after marriage and kids, only “them”. He’s stuck just like I am stuck.
Tears stream down my face, as I pour my son’s milk into his red racecar cup. I mourn the pitiful state my life has become. Marriage and children have sucked every drop of life from me. My days consists of shuffling behind my children obeying their every wish, and cleaning and cooking, only to clean and cook again.
I am sad.
My little one, tugs at my robe.
“Mommy?”
“Yes Miles”
“Hug?” he says opening his little arms for me.
I get down to his level, and accept his love. His unconditional love. He knows nothing but me and the people that love him. He only knows emotions in their simplest forms. How can I not appreciate that? Is his care and well being not my most important job? Is he not worth losing myself?
Yes he is.
I hug him, and smile.
“You happy mommy” he asks smiling.
“Yes, I’m happy Miles” I answer. And at this moment I am.
“MAMA MILK!”
“MAMA MILK!” another little voice yells from the bedroom. She is up, and she is more demanding than the other one. Much more active, and much harder to control. She smiles when she sees me. She is happy.
Life is what it is.
You either choose to be happy or you choose to be sad, or you choose to be angry.
Yet each moment brings a different choice. I guess the key is not to linger to long within one emotion or within one moment.
Life is what it is. For the majority of this day, I choose to be happy

I wrote this last year after a rough morning but this is still me every other morning.

My question today. Is motherhood what you thought it would be?

Mondays coming.....

2009-08-23T16:29:00.003-04:00

Ahhhh! I've had an interesting weekend. My husband was off Thursday and Friday which made for a long weekend. I have to give it to him. He can be very inconsiderate sometimes, but he always makes the effort to try and NOT be inconsiderate. He was with me the entire time helping with the kids and it felt really good. It felt like we more like a team rather than just me alone against the kids. Now I know your probably saying "against the kids!" but that's not what I mean. I mean... It was like I had help and they weren't just yelling and whining for "mama" but they were also yelling and whining for "daddy". It was nice. Now my husband doesn't travel a whole lot or even go out that much other than those loooong Saturday golf days but sometimes he can be in the house with me all day and I'm still alone with the kids. Sometimes they will walk right by him and knock on the bathroom door where I am sitting on the toilet and ask me for a snack. Sometimes they will be whining for something over and over again and it's like he tunes it out and doesn't hear anything. Then there are those times when he works on a home project and is either outside or downstairs and its just like he's not here. Those are the times I feel so alone with the kids. Those are the times I long to go home back to my family for some help. Then right when I'm at my breaking point and when I feel like putting my daddy's address in the gps and packing a bag to go home. Those times when I think "what's the use of being married when it's always just me". Those times when I have nothing to look forward to but not being able to contribute financially, taking care of kids, and cleaning the house, well at those times my husband pulls through for me. Sometimes it's something big like "hey sweetie you want to take a nap? I'll watch the kids". Yep for a stay-at-home mother a nap is a BIG thing! Other times it's something small like taking me to the mall and saying "go ahead and get in the van. I'll strap the kids in their seats". The point is that it's always nice to just have help from your husband. They don't have to do it all because lets face it most of us women are control freaks when comes to our household stuff! But just a little help goes a long way in our books. Like cutting up the onion while I'm cooking or just being in the kitchen talking to me while I'm cooking. Most men don't understand that those type of things are foreplay. It's a turn on for me to see my husband reading my babies a book while I get to browse through a magazine!

Towards Saturday evening I was getting a little sad. I think because I know Mondays coming and I won't have anyone here with me it will be just the kids and I. I'm going to miss having my friend in the house with me. I'm going to miss having adult interaction. I just felt like I had nothing to look forward too, no purpose other than to be somebodys nanny, housekeeper and errand girl. On top of that I'm also a little antsy about my stepson coming back this week. It's not that I don't love him but I dread the whole reprogramming thing. Most stepmothers know what I'm talking about. Anytime a stepchild comes back from an extended visit at the other parents home there is a reprogramming period. This is where the child has to be reprogrammed from all the differences in parenting styles and in some cases negativity from the other parents home. The period can be short or in some cases very very long. You have to reaffirm values, rules and routines that expected in your home such as "we don't watch those shows here" or "no, you need to have some water, not juice", "no, you can't eat in your room" or even "we don't speak to each like that in this home". These are usually things the child has had down before they left you, but now must be reprogrammed in him. I'm sure my stepson's tone and demeanor will have to be reprogrammed when he returns. So this is not something I am looking forward to since I spend the majority of the time with him. I'm praying this year for a change in his whole attitude from academics to life. I sometimes find myself simply tolerating him and not wanting to foster a relationship with him because of his attitude and that's something I want to change. Not so much change his attitude because only God can do that but change MY attitude. Sometimes as a stepparent you have to remind yourself that your the adult and you have to take the high road and as a christian you have to take the christian road. So as I embark on another Monday, I'm feeling just a little down but I'm going to have a word of prayer and remind myself of all things that I am blessed with. So Monday is coming but I will try to look at it as a new beginning rather than an ending.

Why do you really dread Monday?

the diva

I HATE MY JOB!

2009-08-17T12:24:00.002-04:00

I hate my job. There I said it. I am a stay at home mom and I hate my job. Now before you judge me, I don't hate my kids. I hate my job. Why is it that people who work outside the home have the priviledge of hating their jobs but not us stay at home mothers? I don't always hate it. Sometimes when the house is really quiet, the dishes are done and the house is clean, well then I enjoy my job. Usually though I just hate it. I mentally count how many years I have until freedom. I know after my previous post about ungratefulness that this may sound contradictory but this is how I feel today. I am grateful that I'm the one taking care of my kids and not daycare. I'm grateful that I can see their accomplishments and kiss their boo's boo's. I love seeing them smile and laugh. It puts a smile on my face to see their little legs pump and move when I take them to the park. Yet... I hate my job. I want to converse with adults and wear cute clothes and feel attractive. I want to recognize the weekend from weekdays. You see everyday is the same for stay-at-home moms. Saturday is just like monday and vice versus. I want a chance to miss my kids. So I think of this job as anyone else thinks of their job and I'm looking forward to retirement. Now my dream job would be one where I could balance the two. Maybe work two days per week and spend the other days taking care of the kids. Now this is what I think now, but you know how the saying "the grass is always greener" goes? You always want what you don't have. When I was single I wanted to be married. When I got married... Well I think you get the picture. Now don't get me wrong, I love being married but I can now look back and clearly see the perks I had as a single gal. The same with kids. I love them tremendously BUT I definitely miss the days before kids. So today when my kids woke me up at 7:30am and immediately started asking for yogurt and milk, well I thought to myself " I hate my job". Now later when I've sufficiently tired them out and I clean my house, prepare my supper and lay them down for a nap. Well then I'll look around and think "this isn't so bad" and at that point I'll feel a twinge of guilt for hating it earlier.

Do you feel guilty for hating your job?

the diva

Being grateful

2009-08-15T11:32:00.000-04:00

I've been in sort of a funk this weekend. My little one's (two & three) keep asking "mommy are you happy?" in their little innocent voices. I always say "yes" and then they ask "why?". I respond that "mommy's happy because you guys are healthy". Now then the three year old usually ask if "funny faces will make me happy". Now of course I say "yes", and then he proceeds to do funny faces for me and I proceed to laugh (fake laugh). You want to know the truth though? A lot of times I'm not happy. I'm tired of being home with these kids all day. I'm tired of being mommy with everyone pulling on me to do things. "Can you get me?..." or "I need..."

Sometimes I feel like I want to scream! I think to myself, " I just want to go home" by home, I mean the home I used to have before I married and had babies. In essence "going home" is going back to the past. I wonder if I've made a huge mistake by marrying and having kids and becoming a stepmom or stepmonster as I'm sure my stepson thinks I am.

I just want to go home......

Back to my three bedroom ranch home in MI where I just worried about myself. Where if I cleaned the house, it stayed clean. Where MY family resides. Where Christmas and Thanksgiving is familiar with familiar dishes and traditions. Where MY family have my back at all times and where I feel comfortable and at home. I sometimes wonder if this place will ever feel like home. Will it? I feel so alone sometimes, no friends, no family, no nothing. Just me. BUT then I think about the many things that I am blessed with. I think about the accident I saw on the news where a mother and children were killed. I look at the television commercials where children are starving. I look at the commercials where children and people are dying of cancer and other diseases. I think about how I just received news that a girl I grew up with, just died of cancer. I should be grateful. Grateful that I have a roof over my head, and that my husband has a job. Thankful that while my husbands Saturday golfing irritates me sometimes, at least he's not out creeping and cheatin or knocking me upside the head. Truly thankful that my kids are healthy and I and my husband are healthy. Thankful that while my stepson can be a pain in the ass sometimes, he is definitely not the monster that I read about on some of these stepparent websites (check out some of these stories and you will truly be thankful!).

Being grateful is a task that we should be putting to the front of our mind constantly. We should be teaching our kids to be grateful. My generation and future generations have become big whiners. We whine about what we don't have and we don't thank God for what we do have. We whine because we don't have enough money to buy a new outfit, or get our hair or nails done. There are people out there who don't have the basic needs, such as food and shelter. How horrible it must be as a mother or father to send a child to bed hungry. Or to not be able to provide clothing or a small toy for them. How wonderfully blessed am I! That I have food in my pantry, and refrigerator. That my children have more toys and gadgets that I literally have room to store. That I have enough money to go and simply have a doughnut. We take so many things for granted and we watch our children grow up with this same ungrateful mentality. "It's not fair!" my three year old has begun to whine. Which is the same thing my stepson still whines. These are kids who have everything! Yet they constantly whine about what they don't have. Is this the message we are sending them? Sometimes I feel like such a failure as a mother when I don't give my children a fantastic day. A day filled with all sorts of activities that cost me money. Maybe I am the culprit that sends this false message to my children. Kids today always want to be on the move. "Mom lets go somewhere!" my kids demand. I too also feel like if we don't go somewhere then we haven't done anything. As a kid I don't ever remember "going anywhere" except maybe grocery shopping or the laundromat. Sometimes the occosional trip to Sears. We went outside and found things to do inside. We rode our bikes or played board games. We used our imagination. On those rare occasions that we really went somewhere, like to the circus or to the zoo, we were grateful. We were excited! Look at our kids today. They have $400 video games, along with $60 games. They have boxes and boxes of toys, and they still whine for more. They have cabinets full of DVD's that they don't watch. Yet they whine for more. Ungratefulness.

Simplicity is the key to being gratefull. The reason why our kids don't take care of the things we buy them is because they have an abundance of them. The reason WE don't take care of things we ourselves possess is because we have too much. I remember getting new clothes three times per year. A very small amount when school started the bulk at christmas, and a few things for the summer. The rest were passed down from cousins and older siblings. And you know what? I was grateful at Christmas for those clothes. We got toys also, but usually one or two really special things. The rest was just inexpensive filler like crayons or boardgames. For things like birthdays we received "useful" things like a new coat, or a new outfit that we really wanted. Going out to a restaurant or fast food joint was a huge treat for us. Friday was payday and McDonalds day and the only place I ever remember going. We didn't get Big Mac's and Double sandwiches. We got a cheeseburger, fries and small drink and we were grateful. Kids today go out to eat more than they eat at home, and it's made them ungrateful. They don't even look at the price before they order and they never say "thanks mom or thanks dad". They take these things for granted because they are ungrateful. Our kids don't want to work for anything because we give them too much. Growing up we had a cat but we still had mice. I asked my dad "why isn't Tiger (cat's name) catching all of these mice?" My dad's response "She's not hungy, because you feed her too much". Once we cut back her food she had a NEED to catch mice. You know what else? When I did feed her, the food didn't sit in her bowl as in the past. Now she ran to her food bowl as soon as the food hit the bowl. She was now grateful.

I am going to make a concentrated effort to be more grateful for the things I do have. I am going to make my children more grateful by cutting back their intake. I pledge to be more grateful and not raise ungrateful children.

What about you? Have you thought about what you are truly grateful for? Are your kids grateful?

Black Wonderwoman

Where have I been?

2009-08-14T10:40:00.000-04:00

Wow! That's a good question. I've been here, but just really busy. My goal was to post every day on this thing, but it seems I post once per year! I guess I'll just keep on making the same commitment to myself, and eventually I'll fulfill it. Okay just to catch you up. My summer has been ok. It's just been just my little one's and myself as my stepson has been away with his mom for the summer. It was kind of nice having a break from a teenager for the summer. It's like you miss them and then you don't... Praise God that cat was also away for the summer! Although their was drama around where Mr. Cat would spend his summer.

Which I still don't understand.

I mean we didn't purchase the cat so why would cat spend the summer with us without his owner present? Well my husband's baby mama didn't quite see it that way. She was livid that the cat SHE purchased to live in HER home was coming for the summer. Oh well! She got him. I mean who buys an animal for someone in the midst of a custody trial anyway?

The summer is almost over and my stepson will be returning. I think this year will be a better year for all involved. We know more of what to expect from an academic standpoint, and we know where we need to stand our ground. My husband and I plan to go into this year united and on the same page! At least that's what we have agreed upon.... My three year old will be attending two days of preschool this year! I'm excited for him, and nervous at the same time. I love that lil booger so much! That will leave me and the two year old with alone time... I'm kinda looking forward to that also. We don't get too much time when it's just the girls, so maybe this will be fun. For myself I will be taking two more classes this semester. Now I'm really nervous about the math class.

Math is my criptonite.

It is that of which I have always feared.

It is that dark place for me.

In other words I am scared out of my mind. Now don't laugh, but it's a PRE alegebra class... I know. I feel so stupid. How is it that I can be this intelligent woman and still not get "middle-school" math! Somewhere along the way "I didn't get it". Unfortunately for me noone ever caught on that the chick in the back with the MC Lyte bob, and gold bamboo earrings "didn't get it". So since then I've been avoiding academics because of my fear of math. I'm carrying a 3.8 gpa right now but that math thing just really scares me. You know what though? The more I talk to other women I realize that I'm not alone. So many women I speak to say that they avoided certain majors in college because of the amount of math involved. How sad is that? I know that one thing I will do with my little girl is make sure that she conquers any math fears early. I'm 38 and just now preparing to slay my math dragon.

So question of the day. Are you afraid of math? Have you slayed your math dragon?

I love Fridays!

2009-02-06T07:47:00.000-05:00

Wow! It's Friday already. This week has flown by, I didn't post yesterday. Everyone else seemed to be hogging the computer up. My hubby was home because I had a dental appointment. Last year I made a resolution to complete all my dental work, and stay on point from that perspective. Well I didn't. Sooo this year, I'm really trying to follow through. I had my cleaning and exam yesterday, and I made appointments for my crown and fillings. Yep fillings plural, I need six of them! My only consolation is that these are probably pretty old cavities. So I had an appointment today, but I will have to reschedule as I have no babysitter. I really hate it not living close to my own family. With them I would always have a sitter, but oh well. I'm pretty nervous about the dentist. I know that it's because of past fears AND past pain.

Okay you should hear the background noise right about now. My 1 year old is screaming and crying because she dropped her elmo toy on the ground (I've picked it up several times already). I just got through yelling "EAT YOUR WAFFLES!" I swear those rugrats get up SO early that I never have time to do anything! I love them, but..... My goodness I get tired of everybody calling me. Now my 3 year old is starting. His philosophy is just to keep calling "mommy" until I answer. He is very persistent. Now they both claim they are done with breakfast, but I bet not five minutes later, they will be begging for a snack. Ahhh Motherhood!

Questions today are:

How do you handle babysitting issues?

Are you still afraid of the dentist?

Hump day but feeling like wonderwoman!

2009-02-04T06:35:00.000-05:00

So, I'm not as tired as I thought I would be this morning. I was up until close to 2am completing some science homework. Alas, I have fallen behind and it's only the third week into the semester. Those on-line classes can be a killer if you lack the discipline. I actually would have preferred to take it in a class-room setting, but my schedule, or should I say my husbands schedule wouldn't allow it.

So I wake up at a little after 5am to the rambling around of my husband. I'm feeling a bit guilty because I didn't make his lunch last night, so I run to the kitchen to put together a salad to go with the last of the turkey lasagna. I throw a few strawberries in there (aren't I sweet?!) and a granola bar. I've fixed him a healthy versatile lunch and I feel like the black wonderwoman that lurks inside me from time to time. Now that my adrenaline is pumping, I go ahead and wake my stepson, and make him lunch. Now I could have slept for about ten more minutes, but I'm afraid that I'll get sleepy again. I give him a choice of p&j or turkey, he chooses p&j. I add some strawberries (see, no wicked stepmother here!) some smart popcorn, a capri sun (yeah I know... lots of sugar), a granola bar, and I feel even more wonderwomanish. Now I'm in high gear, so I decide to make him a hot breakfast of turkey bacon, eggs, and waffles. Now before this he was moving oh so slow, but once he smells the bacon cooking he speeds up the process. He kinda creeps into the kitchen with a very sweet disposition, "uh did you call me?" he ask Now this booger knows I didn't call him! I smile to myself, and say "no, but I'm making you a hot breakfast this morning". "Thanks!" he says smiling. He can be so sweet when he wants to be. So I send him off to the bathroom to wash face, brush teeth and comb and moisturize hair. Humph! I bet your thinking, "isn't he 14?!" Yeah he is, but he's one of those late bloomers and everything, and I mean everything has to be told to him a couple dozen times before it's actually done. One day I think it will catch on... I hope. So he douses his breakfast with syrup, and is now happily playing James Bond Quantum of solace until it's time to catch the bus.

I wash my morning dishes, and put away my last night dishes. Then that nasty cat comes into my kitchen, which he is not allowed to be in, and sniffs inside my cabinets by my skillets. Ewwww! Of course I chase him out, and now have to rewash the skillets. It's strange because when I was a kid, I had a cat for many years and loved her immensly. I never thought she was nasty, but now that I'm an adult, and I've inherited a cat through my stepson, I perceive it as NASTY! Oh, I forgot to tell you about the cat, didn't I?

Well my stepsons mother (ie husband babies mama) decided to get him a cat last year, smack dab in the middle of the custody trial. Uh huh... Well when my husband won (to everyones surprise) she benovently let him take the cat with him! Yeah.... Oh but he couldn't bring the litterbox, or the carrier or any of the cat's toys. Just the cat. Yeah I think you get the picture. So not only did I have to adjust to now being a full-time stepmother, but I had to adjust to a cat in my home.

He doesn't do that great of job taking care of the cat either, but we are trying to stay on him, to teach him responsibility. I tell you what though, that cat has gained weight since he's been here, and my little one's love him. The first time I come in my home and smell cat, I'm going to pitch a fit. The litter box is kept in the basement (the unfinished basement...long story) but would you believe that at my stepsons moms home the litterbox was kept in the kitchen! Double eww! So he says that the reason he keeps forgetting to clean it, is because he doesn't see it (I kinda understand that theory) but that still doesn't excuse it.

Now he desperately wants a dog, but that's not going to happen for a very long time. I'm talking adulthood. My husband also wants a dog. Everybody wants a dog, but they all want me to take care of it. Cause of course, I don't have anything else to do because I'm a bonbon eating, soap opera watching, afternoon sleeping stay at home mom, or as they call us sahm. Yeah right! I was very tempted to let them have their dog, but then I really thought about it. My husband doesn't get home until after 8pm some nights, and I can't even get my stepson to clean up water on the bathroom sink. My stepson rarely plays with the cat which results in him crying and wandering around the house looking pitiful, until I have mercy on him. So how in the world will he walk the dog?! He hates to do anything physical, and would prefer to just play xbox 360 all day, and I do mean all day long. My husband loves to golf, and once warm weather hits, he'll be golfing Tuesdays and Saturdays for many hours. So who is going to be left to care for this dog, who will need attention and exercise. Yep you guessed it, yours truly. So I used Godly wisdom, and dug my heels in on the dog issue. So I know this was a long post, but I'm a writer, what can I say? So questions for today are:

What makes you feel like wonderwoman?

Should stay at home mothers responsibility include taking of care of pets?

The plot thickens....

2009-02-03T10:36:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know. Long time since last post, but let me give you an update anyway. My family size has increased. No, I'm not pregnant! My husbands (teenage) son has come to live with us full time. Now your probably wondering how I feel about this development. Well let me say I have mixed emotions. It has put a lot of extra work on me, and unfortunately with my husbands schedule, a lot of the responsibility falls to me. What I do know for sure, is that this will be good for my stepson. I just have to kinda suck it up, and get with the program.

One thing I'm learning about motherhood is that it's never about you! It's always about the kids, or the husband or the house, but never about you. I gave my gym membership to my husband and stepson, because lets face it, I was never going to get there. Sometimes it's so hard to find a space of time for myself. I'm taking two classes this semester, and I'm behind already. I feel like such a failure sometimes. That is the one thing I miss about working. Being good at something. When I was at work, no matter what job I held, I did it well. Now being a sahm (stay at home mother) it's like I can't get a handle on it. I'm not the perfect mother, not the perfect stepmom, and not the perfect wife. Sometimes the house is messy and cluttered, and sometimes my dinners suck (like my dry lasagna last night). Sometimes my kids sit in front of the tv all day with little interaction from me. Sometimes I look like crap when my husband comes home, and my breath stinks! So much imperfection can make you feel really lousy. How do other sahm's cope?

So I'm not striving for perfection this year, but I am striving to improve. I'm buying healthier foods, and utilizing moderation when feeding my family (I feel so responsible when they eat unhealthy). I'm trying to increase my cardio, and get some exercise in. I have at least one event planned daily for kids that doesn't involve tv. Above all I'm keeping everything very loose and if I choose to deviate from my schedule, then so be it. I'm really going to try to enjoy being home this year, and I'm working on getting my childrens book published this year. I hope to try to post to my blog everyday (which would fulfill my "write everyday obligation I made to myself last year"). I had a birthday on Sunday (37!) and I'm noticing some laugh lines under the eyes! I can't believe I'm 37 and still dealing with a lot of the same insecurities from my twenties.
With that in mind my questions for today are:

Are you still dealing with issues/insecurities in your life from five or more years prior?

How much time do you allow for yourself on a daily basis?

Had motherhood and/or marriage killed your inner diva?

Love ya,

The Diva

Taking care of mommy!

2008-11-03T14:41:00.000-05:00

Okay, so it's been a while since my last post. Although the title is "taking care of money", I definitely haven't been doing it! My entire summer was spent trying to prove to myself, husband and anyone else that I am wonder woman. I think we all do that sometimes. Take on all of these things, and then when we don't get the appreciation we think we deserve, we get upset. Won't we ever learn?....

Well let's update. I no longer work the night retail position. Get this, my husband asked me to quit, because he says the home was being neglected! Yeah exactly, that's what I said. Well even he realized this comment came off as chauvinistic, and he switched it up. He claims that I looked sooo tired from working sooo much, that I should just give it up. Well, I wanted to keep my employee discount (loved that discount) so I told him I would think about it. Had no intention on quitting, but would you believe the next week, they told me that the night crew was no longer needed?! I lost my little job, just like that. Oh well, I was kinda tired. I also stopped the babysitting as my husbands job location changed. He's home later, and later so his pickup is so irregular that I can't plan anything through the week. This is rather disappointing, and makes me feel so trapped. I would love to get a seasonal job in the evening just to see people, but I don't have anyone to watch the kids. Hiring a babysitter would cost more than I actually would make in retail, plus we only have one vehicle. Guess I'm stuck. I'm trying to remain optimistic though, I figure if I continue my schooling, then in a few years I will have a career.

I am also trying to pay more attention to me. Taking better care of my hair, skin and nails. I used to be so good at that stuff, from the clothes to the shoes, to the purses. Now, I feel like that frazzled lady at the mall. I'm just somebodies mama. Did a ponytail rollerset last night, and gave myself a facial. I still have to flat-iron my roots, and next time I won't use as much setting foam. I'm going to polish my nails tonight. I also want to try on a lot of things in my closet, and make an attempt to tailor what I can, and give away the rest. I'm tired of holding on to old stuff I can fit. I want to look sexy and cute again, and get those second glances from men when I walk down the street. Now if a man takes a second look, I figure their admiring the kids, not me! Marriage makes you forget that your desirable.

I also want to start working out, if I can get my lazy butt to the gym. I guess I just have to do it, and that would be nice break from the kids. I'm going tonight, no matter what!

Marriage misconceptions

2008-07-15T08:33:00.000-04:00

Okay, like most women out there, I had a LOT of preconceived notions about marriage. I couldn't wait to get married! Guilt free sex, constant companionship, and I truly loved my mate. Yeah I knew it was hard work, and everyone told me that things change. Yet, you know how you are at that stage... You think, "yeah, not us", or "we'll always keep that spark alive!". Well five years and two kids later, I must say that while the spark hasn't died, it sure is flickering! Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and kids, but do you ever just get tired? Tired of being a wife and mother? I feel more like the housekeeper/babysitter, than a wife. Sometimes it feels like everyone else, gets to do exactly what they want, while I'm stuck compromising. Is that what marriage and motherhood is, one big compromise?

Have mothers down through the years, experienced and dealt with these same problems? I'm a stay-at-home mom, and believe me, not by choice. What people don't realize is that most stay-at-home mom's or as they call us "sahm", are at home because we can't afford to put the kids in daycare. The cost to put two kids in daycare, and then commuting to work just doesn't make it worth it. So I do what I can to bring extra money in, while at home. Believe me, the amount of money your paid, for things like babysitting or working night retail work, is VERY little. Getting paid amounts like $5 and $8 per hour really has a way of making you feel devalued. Yet any money is money, so I trudge on.

My goal is by the time my children are school-age, I have obtained have either done one or all of the following: Obtained my nursing degree, published a manuscript, or become a registered child care provider. I am well on my way to becoming a registered child care provider, so that feels pretty good. I figure I'm at home, so I might as well make some money. So I work three late, late (by late I mean, I don't get in until 3am) nights per week and I also babysit during the day hours.

Now my husband swears that "I don't know how good I have it", as he golfs every Tuesday and Saturday, while I take care of the kids. Hmmph! Who really has it good?..... Well I need to sign off, and go do some housework. My stepson should be up by noon, yeah you heard me noon! I need to do some reading with the little ones, and then work on my child care packet some more.
It feels good to write, and I hope to be able to work on one of my manuscripts today. It's weird, I really enjoy writing, and once I start, I can't seem to stop. The hard part is just starting.